5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santas lap and told him, My names the same as yours.
Santas helper blows his cover when he says, Well, hello, Harold!
27
Dec
27
Dec
Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, Lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.
Barney agrees, and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
Help me find my ball. You look over there, he says to Sid.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck. A lost ball carries a four-point penalty, so Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?
What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!
And a liar, too!!! Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!
27
Dec
Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree, not see.
NO FEE
26
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Emma!
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here, can you let me in?
26
Dec
Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
26
Dec
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
26
Dec
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked–Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Deaths Door–Doctors Pull Him Through
26
Dec
My Sons Wife, all she does is takes, takes and takes. She wants a new wahsing machine so my poor Son buys her a new washing machine. She wants a new kitchen and so my Son spends hundrends of pounds on a new kitchen. It seems all my poor Son ever does is run around at her command and all she does is wants, but my Daughters Husband he is wonderful. My Daughters Husband will by my Daughter anything she wants!
26
Dec
You Might Be A Redneck… …If your dad walks u to school cause youre in the same grade! …If u mow the grass and find the car! …If someone comes to your house everyday thinking youre having a garage sale! …If u sell the car 4 gas money!
26
Dec
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on STUN.
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesnt care if a world is class M or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named SlaveI.
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.