Old and New Jokes

Theres this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?

The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say Thank God to make it go and Amen to make it stop.

Not paying much attention, the man says, Sure, ok.

So, he gets on the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he says, Thank God, Thank God, and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man say, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and hes doing everything he can to make the horse stop. Whoa, stop, hold on!!!

Finally he remembers, AMEN!!

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replied, Well, son, theyre making a puppy.

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, Well, son, we are making you a little brother.

The little boy replied, Please turn Mom over, Dad, Id rather have a puppy!

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And whats with this handbasket?

Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Errr… Well, Ive got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, itll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb version 6.1…

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

Hello mate, the Aussie says.

No Australian cricket fans in heaven, replies Saint Peter.

What? exclaims the man, astonished.

You heard, no Australian cricket fans.

But, but, but, Ive been a good man, replies the Aussie.

Oh really, says Saint Peter. What have you done then?

Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.

Oh, says Saint Peter, anything else?

Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.

Hmmm, anything else?

Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.

OK, said Saint Peter, you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, Ive had a word with God and he agrees with me. Heres your $30 back, now f*** off.

En medio de una tormenta, una tortuguita pierde su concha y desesperada va donde su abuela:

Abuelita, tengo un problema, ¿me dejas cobijarme de la tormenta en tu concha?

La abuela se niega rotundamente. La tortuguita parte donde sus hermanos:

Hermanos míos, perdí mi concha y estoy en problemas, ¿me dejan cobijarme de la tormenta en su concha?

Al igual que la abuela, los hermanos se niegan. Como último recurso parte donde su madre:

Madre mía, ¿me dejas cobijarme bajo tu concha?

Con voz materna, la madre responde:

¡Claro, hija mía!

MORALEJA:

Cuando tengas problemas, ándate a la concha de tu madre.

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.



The man replies, Im getting my girl friend drunk!

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

A large department store here had a sign in its jewellery section:

EARS PIERCED: – WHILE YOU WAIT

Like, whats the alternative? Leave your ears and collect them next Thursday?

There is a nice pair of signs in Crown St, Sydney (look for them if you come for the 2000 Olympics), which are two awning type signs which hang out over the footpath.

One is for a funeral parlour, the other is for a chicken processing factory next door.

If you walk up Crown Street, from a distance you can see the funeral parlour sign and below it the bottom of the chicken factory sign.

From that point, they appear to be one sign which reads

VALUE FUNERALS

Freshly killed daily on our premises