Old and New Jokes

Womens English:

Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry We need = I want Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = Youll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I dont want you to. Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron! Youre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper… Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like. Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, youre dead.] Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. Im not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = Its just that youre such an asshole. ==========================================================

Mens English:

Im hungry = Im hungry. Im sleepy = Im sleepy. Im tired = Im tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you. Whats wrong? = I dont see why your making such a big deal about this. Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. Im bored. = Do you want to have sex? I love you. = Lets have sex now. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… wed better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much different! Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home! I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

This is an original submission, although I didnt originate it.
If I have screwed up, assume that all the terms below apply to me.

—–begin included—–
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 09:36:28 -1000 (HST)
From: Zoweee Wow, KSC <zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu>
Subject: My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)

In accordance with the terms laid out on Monday, November 7th, 1994, I do
herebye offer Public and Embarassing Apology to a large group of
strangers for my statement upon that day that Tongue rings dont hurt at
all, you fucking wusses.

In my most remarkable stupidity, I dared to contradict the wisdom of my
obvious superiors simply because the piercing itself was not painful. I
proved my inability to grasp even the simple concepts underlying the
bodys willingness to Seek Revenge against Stupid Assholes Like Myself
for acts Most Heinous against the organism. Furthermore, I did this in
direct opposition to people who OWNED tongue piercings, knew the pain
they cause, and are obviously more intelligent than I.

To fulfill the terms of this agreement, I do herebye authorize the
further propagation of this Apology For Being a Shitheel, and hope that
my name will be placed somewhere near that of Hitler and Napoleon in the
annals of dimwitted jerkoffs, being second in bozosity only to people
who believe that attacking the russians in autumn is a Wise Plan.

Now, someone give me some Percocet before I die.

Zoweee Wow, Idiot-at-Large (23rd Congressional District)
zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu
chadr@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu

—–end included—–

KNOCK KNOCK WHOS THERE CHANUKAH CHANUKAH WHO CHANUKAH IS HERE!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toucan!
Toucan who?
Toucan play at this game!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches

Llega un cura recién muerto a las puertas del Cielo, pero no hay nadie afuera. Entonces toca, pero nadie le abre porque adentro hay un fiestón y se escucha mucho ruido.

El padre vuelve a tocar como cinco veces y por fin le contesta San Pedro:

¿Quién eshhh?

Soy yo, San Pedro, vengo en busca de soledad y paz.

Y San Pedro le responde:

¡No, esas putas ya no trabajan aquí!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantalope and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.

The devil finds work for idle glands.