Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they cant make it in to work today.

how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

1001 1 to hold the bulb and a thousand to turn the building

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of
higher learning?
A: A visitor.

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, What is it, honey?

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.



He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. What are you doing, honey? she asked.



Im looking for loopholes! he shouted.

A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting hed grant them 3 wishes each Bear, you go first the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then asked for a motorbike. poof, two wishes left. duh, thought the bear, rabbit could have just asked for money and then he could have bought his own motorbike So bear then wished that all the bears except him in the next wood were female too. The rabbit then asked for a motorcycle helmet, put it on and kickstarted the engine. The bear was shocked at how thick the rabbit was being, he could have asked for more money and bought his own

Rabbit, your last wish the frog said. The rabbit said: I wish the bear was gay, and drove off into the distance.

Man walks into the Doctors office.

I have the results of your test and Im afraid your going to die Says the Doctor.

The Man asks How long do I have to live?

Ten, replies the Doctor.

What the hell does that mean, the Man asks. Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?

The Doctor Replies Nine

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,

while walking through the heather the lass says;

ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

wee jordy says aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him wee jordy i can tell you want

to give me a kiss.

well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says wee jordy i can tell you want to

make love to me.

he says, aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

No! she says… by the tilt in your kilt!

The three stages of marital sex:

Honeymoon sex:
This is where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex:
This is where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.

Oral sex:
This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from
your spouse and yell FUCK YOU.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?

One student asked, How much for a season pass?

Whats the difference between Jesus and Madonna?

Jesus was only resurrected once.