Un hombre muy enfermo espera su diagnóstico. Llega el médico con cara de afligido a informarle:
Mire, amigo, tendrá que ser fuerte, ¡usted tiene la enfermedad de McFerson!
¡Dios mÃo! ¿Y eso es grave?
Tomará su tiempo descubrirlo, señor McFerson.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous months last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day — Negotiation Day — has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.
The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, Why are you dressed up in black?
The woman replied, Well, thats because Im not a virgin.
You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
Pepsi proceeded to build factories in many of the former Soviet states way before its great rival, Coca-Cola Company got on the market there.
So, when Coca-Cola opened their first factory in Georgia, the company decided to promote it as much as they could. Thus they proceeded to invite Eduard Shevarnadze, the president of the country for the celebration, and he agreed to be there.
The great day came, the first bottle of Coke was about to roll off from the assembly line, the president of the country, the national TV channels cameras and reporters were all there.
The first bottle arrives, they open it, and hand it to Mr. Shevarnadze. He picks it up, sips some, with the whole country watching, and with a smile which cheers the heart of Cokes marketing manager he says Great taste … just like Pepsi!
A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?
To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.
The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!
The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?
I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.
To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.
Un caballero tenÃa problemas para eyacular asà que decide ofrecer $50000 a la primer mujer que lo hiciese eyacular.
Asà empezaron a llegar mujeres y a tener sexo, pero ninguna lograba que eyaculara. De repente aparece una mujer atleta, le agarra el pito y empieza a succionar y succionar (ya se imaginan, con esos pulmones, la fuerza de la succión).
De repente el caballero grita y hace gestos, la atleta piensa, Ya vienen los pesos. Pero el caballero le dice, ¡Para, paraaaa, que la sábana y el colchón se me están viniendo por el culo!
Jaimito llega al colegio golpeado en la cara. La maestra le pregunta:
¿Qué te paso Jaimito? Otra vez estuviste peleando.
No, profe, es que mis padres no tienen dinero por la situación del paÃs. Entonces dormimos en la misma cama los tres, usted sabe por la austeridad. Por la noche mis padres me mandan a dormir y se acuestan. Luego me preguntan: Jaimito ¿Estás dormido? Yo contesto Sà y entonces me golpean.
La maestra le dice:
Claro, ya sé qué pasa. Tus padres necesitan privacidad, Jaimito. Ellos no pueden hacer el amor si tu estás despierto. Esta noche cuando te manden a dormir tu te acuestas y te quedas tranquilo, si te preguntan algo quedate callado, para que veas que no te hacen nada.
Al dÃa siguiente llega Jaimito todo amoreteado, un yeso en una pierna y en un brazo, la cara con curitas, en fin ¡vuelto mierda! La maestra lo ve y le dice:
¿Qué hiciste mijo? Seguro no fue lo que yo te dije.
Si profe, me mandaron a dormir y lo hice. Me preguntaron: Jaimito estás dormido. Y yo me quedé como muerto. Al rato se desnudaron y se acostaron. Luego de un poco de movimientos mi mamá empezó a decir:
¡MI AMOR ME VOY!
Y mi papá también:
¡YO TAMBIÉN ME VOY!
Entonces yo me paré y les dije:
¡ESPERENME QUE ME VOY CON USTEDES!
Remember Little Timmy? Hes the foul-mouthed boy who lives down the block from Little Johnny.
Anyway, Little Timmy was sitting in the back of the class the other day, squirming. He raised his hand and said, Teacher, I have to piss.
Flustered, the teacher said, That is not the correct word to use, Timmy. The correct word is urinate. She told Timmy that he could go to the bathroom if he could correctly use the word urinate in a sentence when he returned.
Little Timmy came back from his trip to the potty and sat down. Can you use urinate in a sentence, Timmy? the teacher asked.
Yes, Timmy said. Right now ur-in-ate, but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten.