Old and New Jokes

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-

6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks What are you doing ?, and walks off. But if you have a dog, its looking up at you and thinking Well, I dunno what youre doing, but I love you anyway.

Van a fusilar a Clinton, a Fidel y al Presidente de Tontilandia por ciertos fraudes y lo peor es que los van a fusilar en la mismísima Tontilandia. Empiezan por Clinton, y cuando ya está todo a punto, se pone a gritar:

¡Terremoto, un terremoto! ¡Corran por su vida!

Total, que todos los del peloton echan a correr y Clinton se escapa. Cuando le toca el turno a Fidel, se pone a gritar:

¡Un huracán! ¡Se acerca un huracán! ¡Todos a cubierto!

Y también se escapa. Entonces le toca el turno al Presidente de Tontilandia, todo el pelotón apuntándole, y entonces se pone a gritar con todas sus fuerza:

¡¡Fuego, fuego!!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.



Listen, says the doc, I have migraines, too and the advice Im going to give you isnt really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that Ive gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.



Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! Ive had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!



Well, says the physician, Im glad I could help.



By the way, Doc, the patient adds, You have a REALLY nice house.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

So, says the cop to the driver, where have you been?



Ive been to the pub, slurs the drunk.



Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a few.



I did all right, the drunk says with a smile.



Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?



Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays, Dear God, I work hard but my business isnt doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you dont want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?

The next week hes back. God, my wife, shes moving out and Im getting audited by the IRS. And my daughter, shes running around with a such a sleaze, would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?

The next week, Sids back. God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, leaving me to pay the taxes with money I dont have cause she cleanned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, shes pregnant by that nogoodnik who ran off as well. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?

At that moment a beam of light comes blazing through the window as the clouds outside part and a voice booms down, Sidney, meet me half way on this one, BUY A TICKET!!!

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didnt have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor

2.His Priest

3.His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I dont have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.

The priest said, I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.

Well, the lawyer just couldnt believe what he was hearing! I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!