Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.



So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close their business. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving that:



Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

an english man was on top of the rainbow with a pain of glass in front of him and a pot of gold on the end of the rainbow. the only way to get to the gold was to someway get over the glass.


he ran into the glass but smacked his head and passed out.


an leprichorn seeing this wished he could fly so he could get over the glass to the gold. doing this he flew into a bird and was knocked down.

seeing this a jewish rabbi sang a rendicion of somewhere over the rainbow which broke the glass and he got to the gold.

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS ROOM!

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cant piss if someones watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13 Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.

12 Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.

11 We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.

10 Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.

9 Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!

8 In Thursdays edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…

7 This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.

6 Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.

5 It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant.

4 Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.

3 Our article describing O.J. Simpson as slashing out over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…

2 As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.

and Top5s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in

1998…

1 Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible Are We?

A dental surgery had been having an unusually busy day, and
ran out of local anaesthetic just before the last extraction
for the day was to be performed.

Keen to ensure that a far more painless extraction from the
patients wallet would not be hindered, the dentist gave the
nurse a very large needle.

He instructed her to jab it firmly into the patient in the end
opposite to that from which the tooth was to be extracted,
when the signal was given.

It all happened in an instant. The patient and pliers were
in place. The signal was given, the needle driven well
home, and with a quick tug out came the tooth.

The dentist said, Hurt much?

The patient hesitated,
Didnt even feel it come out… tell you what, though, the roots
were sure in deep!

Courtesy 612 4QR Nighttime Funnies. Mon-Thu 7.30pm

Washing The Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

Oh, no laundry, the boy said, Im going to wash my dog!

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

Well, the boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh? What was it then?

I think it was the spin cycle!

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

Doctor, I cant seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I cant satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and youll find that youll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

Be prepared, my darling. Im going to ravish you, she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctors advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his therapy.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, Yes?

Sir, Im with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? said the officer.

Yes, officer, Im inspecting my trucks rear axle, he replied confidently.

Well, why dont you check the brakes while youre down there.

Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

Im Bushed!

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A childs eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.