Old and New Jokes

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Un día Pepito se presenta con su mamá mal herido, y su mamá le dice:

¡Pepito! ¿Qué te pasó?

Es que iba en la bicicleta a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes bicicleta!

¡Ah…! Fue con los patines, iba a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes patines!

¡Bueno! ¡Ultimadamente, el gato es mío y me lo cojo cuando yo quiera!

I work TS for an ISP, here are a few things that drive me nuts:



Tech: What is your User Name?

Cust: John Smith.

Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) thats your USER Name, your login name?

Cust: Yep.

Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as wolf231.

Cust: Yep.

Tech: Not John Smith.

Cust: Yep.

Tech: …



—-



Tech: What error message are you getting?

Cust: Im not getting an error, it just wont connect.

Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?

Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesnt say anything.

Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?

Cust: Nope.

Tech: – Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isnt working?

Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..

Tech: Thats what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.



—-



Tech: What error message are you getting?

Cust: Uhhh… cannot connect to you guys because its not working, is having problems.

Tech: Hmm.. well, I dont think that is one of the standard RAS errors listed in the MS database..



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Cust: What in the hell is wrong with your server now!?!?!

Tech: Nothing, what error are you getting?

Cust: Error 666 Your modem or other connecting device is not functioning! (Or alternately) Error 680, There is no dial tone!



.. Now lets think about this one, Ive gotten it many, MANY times. The error says there is no dial tone. Your modem cannot get a dial tone, so naturally, our server must be down. – Or the error says your modem is hosed.. once again, our server must be down. The point being, 90% of all callers assume it is automatically YOUR fault, no matter what the error says.



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Customer cannot read, or pronounce anything correctly. (Examples: Dis-enable soft-war comprehension..?)



Customer only has one phone line, but still insist that you stay on the phone while they try to connect..



Customer cannot understand the concept of having TWO mouse buttons.

Tech: Now Right-click on the icon and select Properties.

Cust: Ok, double click on it and.. I dont see properties..



Tech: Goto My Computer on your desktop.

Cust: Yes, I have a computer on my desk.

Tech: No. There is an ICON on your desktop called My Computer, double click on it and it will open.

Cust: I dont see Your Computer.

Tech: No, it is called My Computer, not literally mine, its just the name of it.

Cust: Ok.. just a sec.. – hm.. Now what is the desktop again?

Tech: .. Its where the background is.. you know. It has all the little small pictures of stuff that you click on on it.



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Had a customer call, she was having problems install our software. After two hours of her not being able to articulate exactly what the problem was, it ended up being that she had our CD in upsi

A blonde goes into a bar and walks to the counter. There is a drunk man that says, Beers on the house!

The blonde walks out the back door, and returns a few minutes later with a confused look on her face.

Whats wrong? asks the drunk?

She said, I went all the way outside, found a ladder, and climbed all the way to the roof, but I couldnt find the beer!

What does a blonde say when she finds out shes pregnant? Are you sure its mine?

“Who is it?” asked the inmate of a house when he heard a knock on his door.

”I am Sher Singh,” came the answer.

”Sher Singh who?”

”I am Sher Singh, son of Dilawar Singh.”

”who is your grandfather?”

”Bahadur Singh.”

”Why don’t you come in? The door is open.”

”Sir, your dog is sitting on the door step.”

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin Bowles

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, itll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Dont Give A Shit.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.

13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.

15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then Youre Doing It Wrong…

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So youre a feminist…Isnt that precious.

64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I understand that it would be considered bad taste to introduce myself as Randy. eg Hi, Im randy

Not bad taste, but rather on the forward side. The equivalent perhaps of Hi, Im horny. Guaranteed to go down well in parties.

By the way, I always felt that Randy Vanwarmer was a great name. It has descriptive possibilities as well as being a name.

PS when I was in college there was a guy with a name of Nick Childharmer. Guess he wouldnt get a Social Services job.

RODNEY DANGERFIELDS BEST ONE-LINERS

I was so poor growing up…If I wasnt born a boy..Id have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ….Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it werent for pickpockets, Id have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that?

He said, Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Im so ugly…My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very sorry. We did everything we could… But he pulled through.

Im so ugly … My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him …. Do you think well ever find them?

He said, I dont know kid … there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Im so ugly…I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big Id get.

I went to see my doctor Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. Whats wrong with me? he said…I dont know but your eyesight is perfect.

I went to the doctor because Id swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.