Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
21
Jan
21
Jan
God didnt create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
21
Jan
The world does not revolve on an axis.
21
Jan
He got the sack.
21
Jan
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and looked around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says Earthling take me to your leader! He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. Earthling, I said Take me to your leader! Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says If this Earthling doesnt show me some respect Im going to blast him!
The second Alien replies O.K. but, Im just going to stand down on the next block.
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. Earthling take me to your leader! No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.
After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy. He then says to the second Alien If you knew that was going to happen why didnt you warn me?
The second replies I didnt know what was going to happen, but Im not going to mess with anyone whos dick can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!
21
Jan
Forget the meaning of life…were stuck on these questions!:
Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?
21
Jan
A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
The interviewer asks each, in turn, Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?
The Russian replies, Whats an opinion?
The Pole replies, Whats meat?
The American replies, Whats a shortage?
And the Israeli replies, Whats excuse me?
21
Jan
A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, Great! I want my $20 million now please. The man replied, No, sorry lady. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today, and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. The blonde said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!
21
Jan
This will be a short meeting
You can put it together yourself in five minutes
One slice of pizza wont blow my diet
Youll housebreak him in no time at all
Theyll feel terrific once you break them in
Weve been in business for 30 years, were not going anywhere
When it sez empty theres always a gallon or two left
If you knew anything at all, you wouldnt be a Traffic Cop
You can make it – that truck isnt coming all that fast
Of course bring the kids
Thats not poison oak
I dont burn, I tan
Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
Of course theyre mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
No trouble at all, dont give it a second thought
We service what we sell
Believe me, nobodys dressing up
21
Jan
(Forwards deleted to protect the innocent)
The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995:
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.
– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
But what … is it good for?
– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.