Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jagger!
Jagger who!
Jaggerd edge!

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous sil vous plaid.
HONK IF YOURE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DONT LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

Létat, cest moo.
IM BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned
his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Im always first out of
bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything
about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are
what grounds you have.

Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.

Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.

How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm?

She drops her nail file.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the
new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest
man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher
replies, Well…thats a good answer, but thats not the answer I am looking
for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped
end the civil war. … Well, thats another good answer, but that is not
the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and
says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The
teachers mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes!, she says, thats the
answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the
classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy
approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says Why did you say,
Jesus Christ? The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know
its Moses, and YOU know its Moses, but business is business.

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where
the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble
and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his
bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear
life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Ohhh
God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years… I thought he meant
his money!

Fitness Philosophy – JokesGalore Style!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was

60. Shes 97 now & we dont know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Havent lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what Im doing.

I dont exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I dont jog…it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-
we had nothing to do.

The Gentiles were home,
hanging stockings with care,
Secure in the knowledge
St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There werent any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded The T, bound for old Chinatown.

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!
We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu …

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!.

And my girlfriend-well … she got a real winner;
Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went
quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking
for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers
off.

Oh, that is no problem, said the man. I stop winking if I take a couple of
aspirin.

Show me, said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of
condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he
found the packet of aspirin. He took an aspirin and soon stopped winking.

The interviewer said, I do not think we could employ someone who would be
womanizing all over the country.

Excuse me! exclaimed the man, I am a happily married man, not a womanizer!

Well, how do you explain all the condoms, then? asked the interviewer.

The man replied, Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking, and asked for a
packet of aspirin?

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

Its certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, Tell me, how long has it been since youve had a cigarette?

Ten years, replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!!

And how long has it been since youve had a sip of bourbon? she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, Ten years.

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, WOW, thats absolutely fantastic!

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, And how long has it been since youve played around?

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, Oh good Lord! Dont tell me youve got golf clubs in there too?