Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/hell swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when hes done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Un día un tipo se despertó y notó que le había crecido un pene justo en el medio de la frente. Preocupado, va al médico. El médico lo revisa y le dice:

¿Tiene una biblia?

Sí, contesta el paciente.

Léala y vuelva la semana que viene.

A la semana siguiente el hombre vuelve con el pene en la frente.

Me leí toda la Biblia doctor, ¿quiere preguntarme algo?

No, no, está bien. Bueno ahora busque un libro de historia, léalo y vuelva la semana que viene.

A la semana siguiente el tipo vuelve.

Me leí toda la historia del país doctor, ¿quiere preguntar algo?

No, no, está bien. Ahora, léase un libro de la segunda guerra mundial.

Y el paciente se cansó: Doctor me tiene harto. ¿Qué clase de terapia es ésta? ¿Para qué carajo me hace leer tanto?

¡Porque cuando te crezcan los huevos no vas a poder leer más!

Un tipo se queja con su médico:

“Doctor, mi esposa es frígida y no logro excitarla con nada”.

El especialista saca de su botiquín unas pastillas y se las da.

“Ponga una de estas pastillas en el café de su esposa antes de acostarse y verá como reacciona ella”.

Por la noche, el marido pone una de las pastillas en el café de su mujer y piensa:

‘Mi mujer es muy fría, mejor le pongo dos’.

Duda por un momento y decide ponerle otra más. Antes de acostarse, el marido vuelve a titubear:

‘Le puse tres pastillas, ¿y si ahora no estoy a la altura? Mejor me tomo yo también tres pastillas’.

A media noche, la mujer se despierta jadeando y le reclama a su marido:

“¡¡Necesito un hombre!!”

El marido, gimiendo de la misma manera, responde:

“¡¡Yo también!!”

Whats black and brown and looks good on an attorney?



A doberman pinscher.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.



Jake asked her, What are you up to?



Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!



Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.



Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.



Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!



Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!



Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

A painting cotractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP. They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, GREEN SIDE UP. The woman was curious but didnt say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled GREEN SIDE UP. Finally the woman asked, why do you keep yelling that out the window? Im sorry, he replied, but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, Why does it work?

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, How does it work?

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, How much will it cost?

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, Do you want fries with that?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlos Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldnt care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; its less confusing that way.

I couldnt wait for success, so I went on without it.

Life is antagonistic to the living.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they dont realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isnt your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.

Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?