Old and New Jokes

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

No problem, said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. Okay, he said to the guide. Wheres that Indian woman Im supposed to wrassle!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: For Women Only. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works…

We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

All the men on this floor are short and plain. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isnt good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: There are no men here.

This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender
says:
Gee that must be a bit annoying mate

The guy replies: Yeah, its driving me nutts!

Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Its easy to turn a computer on – just flip the switch.
Virtual dancing baby easier to care for than real one.
Less threat of Kenneth Starr investigation.
No trips to the doctor if you catch a computer virus.
The low cost of commitment: only $19.95 in ISP charges.
Monitor size doesnt matter.
Easier to hide a laptop if someone walks in.
You never spend a penny on deodorant, perfume, or Mentos.
Everybody assumes clinton@whitehouse.gov is just an alias.
No need to say, I have a headache – just claim you couldnt dial into your AOL account.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

An old woman saved a Fairys life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, Now arent you sorry you had me neutered?!!!

How careers end…

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Vegas dealers are discarded.