Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!
Whats the fastest way to a mans heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What is the worst part of a mans body?
His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.
When is a man as smart as a woman
When he is plugged in to one.
How come men never sink in water?
Shit floats.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because there were no women on his side.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but youre not quite sure why.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs dont turn into men when they drink.
Why dont men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.
WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?
YOU DONT HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!
WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.
why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
he wasnt concentrating
Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.
What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
What do men and microwaves have in common?
Theyre both done in 30 seconds.
Whats a mans idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you cant get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Its kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
Whats the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!
Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.
Whats a mans idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Whats the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What did God say when he created man?
I can do better than this.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.
What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.
Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.
Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.
Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.
Thats not why its there.
Ok, I give up. Why is it there?
Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, Have ye seen Mulligan
lately, Pat?
Pat said, Well, I have and I havent.
His friend asked, Shure, and what dye mean by that?
Pat said, Its like this, ysee…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.
Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays.
Stop circulating the Good Times Virus and Join the Crew e-mail.
Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to.
Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty.
Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly.
Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta.
Insist that all ten best lists be strictly limited to ten.
Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk.
Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail.
Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway.
Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.
Promise when I hear Where do you want to go today?, I wont laugh. (Well, maybe not!)
Think of a password other than password to use on web sites.
Never throw another snowball via e-mail; at least not til next year.
Thanx to the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day!
Whats the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!
Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
Get tape back from puppy.
Remove scissors from older dogs mouth.
Open box.
Take puppy out of box.
Remove tape from older dogs mouth.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Put present in box.
Remove present from puppys mouth.
Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
Take tape away from older dog.
Unroll paper.
Take puppy OFF box.
Cut paper being careful not to cut puppys foot or nose that is getting in the way as he helps.
Let puppy tear remaining paper.
Take puppy off box.
Wrap paper around box.
Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Take tape older dog is holding.
Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
Take bow from older dog.
Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.
[Ed: Some feminists have found these offensive. They are wrong.]
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Q: Why dont they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now shes history.
Murf
Está un señor con el psiquiatra y le dice:
Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:
Por favor deme tres tequilas.
El bartender mira atrás del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro dÃa el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al dÃa siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:
Caballero ¿por qué usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?
Y el caballero responde:
Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos mÃos que estaá fuera del paÃs.
El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al dÃa siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:
Ay, ¿no me diga que murió uno de sus hermanos?
Y el hombre responde:
No, lo que sucede es que dejé la bebida…
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, What are you going to do with the money?
Take jewelry to city and sell it, said the old man.
What have you got for collateral? queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
Dont know of collateral.
Well thats something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?
Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.
The banker shook his head, How about livestock?
Yes, I have a horse.
How old is it?
I dont know; it has no teeth.
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, Heres the money to pay loan, he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
What are you going to do with the rest of that money?
Put it in my pocket.
Why dont you deposit it in my bank? he asked.
I dont know of deposit.
Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, What you got for collateral?
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.