22
Oct

Last minute turkey

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!

22
Oct

What part did you get?

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.His father was really proud of him. So his father asks, what part did you get?He replies, I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.His father congratulated him. And then he said Thats good son, maybe next time youll get a talking role!

22
Oct

Redneck Jokes joke #10972

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick- up, its not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

Ive got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that polititian aint honest!

Were vegetarians. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You cant feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslins fake.

22
Oct

Feel Like A Teepee

Doc, I dont understand whats going on with me. Its really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee.

The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.

So, the man continues, And sometimes I feel like a wigwam.

To which the doctor says, I wouldnt worry about it, Fred, youre just two tents. (tense 🙂

21
Oct

Changing Lightbulbs

How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
room spins.

21
Oct

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

21
Oct

Manolo y Venancio deciden ir

Manolo y Venancio deciden ir a cazar alces al Canadá y contratan a un guía de origen francés para tal efecto. El francés les informa:

Senogues, yo soy Francsua y mi companego es Piegr. Piegr tocagá un cuegno que emite el sognido del alce hembgra; esto hagrá que el alce macho salga cong sus instintogs segsuales a buscag a la hembgra. Cuando salga, ustegdes dispagan, ¿entendiegon?

Los tontilandeses, que tienen un sentido de captación agudo, contestan muy emocionados:

¡Sí! ¡Sí!

El guía galo ordena:

¡Pieeeeg, toca el cuegno!

De inmediato, Pierre toma el cuerno y lo hace sonar:

¡Mmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!

En un santiamén, el alce sale a buscar a la hembra y los tontilandeses disparan… pero fallan. El guía insiste:

Senogues, pog favog haganme caso. Cuando Pieg suene el cuegno; el alce salgdrá con sus instintos segsuales a buscag a la hembgra y entoncegs usteges dispagan, ¿ahogra si entendiegon?

¡Sí! ¡Sí, pendejo! ¡Ya entendimos, cabrón!, le responden aún emocionados.

¡Pieeeeeeeegggg, suena el cuegno!

¡Mmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!

Y otra vez, sale el alce rápidamente y los tontilandeses disparan… y fallan de nuevo.

El francés, enojado, les reprende:

¡¡Senoges, entiendang, pog favooog, cuango Pieg suegne el cuegno el alce sale gápidamengte con sus instintogs segsuales a buscag a la hembgra y ustedes dispagan!!

¡Wi, wi, cabrón, ya déjanos cazar, idiota!

Pues que sea la última vegz que se los digo pogque ya van dos vecegs que el pingche alce se coge a Pieg.

21
Oct

A un hombre se le

A un hombre se le perdió una cartera con mil dólares y cinco tarjetas de crédito y puso un anuncio en el periódico:

$100 a la persona que me devuelva la cartera con $1,000 y cinco tarjetas de crédito.

Al día siguiente, en el mismo periódico, apareció un anuncio:

$200 por lo mismo, más una cena gratis en un restaurante.

21
Oct

Dos ancianos aoraban casarse, as

Dos ancianos añoraban casarse, así que se dirigieron al cura más cercano. Cuando llegaron el cura les preguntó, ¿en qué les puedo ayudar?

El anciano le responde: ¡Deseamos casarnos!

Comienzan una pequeña charla, ya que el cura no los quiere casar, debido a que por su avanzada edad si sostenían relaciones continuamente uno de los dos podía morir. Al final llegan a un arreglo y deciden que únicamente pueden hacer el amor cada quince días.

Durante un largo tiempo los ancianos cumplen con este requisito, cuando en una noche

la anciana se dirige muy cautelosamente hacia la habitación del anciano. Cuando el anciano se da cuenta de la presencia de su esposa le dice:

MIJA, acuérdese del compromiso que hicimos con el cura de solamente hacer el amor cada quince días, y recuerde que apenas ayer fue el día.

Y la venerable anciana le contesta:

¡MIJO, ES QUE YO VENGO A VER SI ME ADELANTA UNA QUINCENITA!

21
Oct

Got A Match

A man walked into a psychiatrists office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, I see you need my help!

The guy said, Yeah Doc. Got a match!?