[Ed: Some feminists have found these offensive. They are wrong.]
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Q: Why dont they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now shes history.
Murf
Está un señor con el psiquiatra y le dice:
Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:
Por favor deme tres tequilas.
El bartender mira atrás del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro dÃa el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al dÃa siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:
Caballero ¿por qué usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?
Y el caballero responde:
Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos mÃos que estaá fuera del paÃs.
El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al dÃa siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:
Ay, ¿no me diga que murió uno de sus hermanos?
Y el hombre responde:
No, lo que sucede es que dejé la bebida…
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, What are you going to do with the money?
Take jewelry to city and sell it, said the old man.
What have you got for collateral? queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
Dont know of collateral.
Well thats something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?
Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.
The banker shook his head, How about livestock?
Yes, I have a horse.
How old is it?
I dont know; it has no teeth.
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, Heres the money to pay loan, he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
What are you going to do with the rest of that money?
Put it in my pocket.
Why dont you deposit it in my bank? he asked.
I dont know of deposit.
Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, What you got for collateral?
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.
Who was that? Demands the wife.
If you must know, that was my mistress.
Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!
Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,
Isnt that Howard over there? Whos he with?
That’s HIS mistress.
Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.
Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.
Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover the valve stem.
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. Whats the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over!
What do you mean? said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.
Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts!
The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?
Why yes, she said.
I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.