Heres the first installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct):

Sunday night:

Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]

The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.

Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift
ISS: implied safe sex
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem
ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt
VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy
PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message
RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.

Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in… I must know what you were doing when you died… you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded…its our new policy! He smiled.

Well…if you must know…I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs… Dolly Parton said.

And I was going to the bathroom! Princess Diana said.

You may enter into Heaven… St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?! Dolly Parton asked.

Why…dont you know…a royal flush beats 2 of a kind! St. Peter exclaimed.

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, Yea, me too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive even had the place fumigated, and they wont go away. The third said, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Havent seen one back since!

A man had a terrible speech impediment and was having trouble finding a job. One day he went to an employer and applied.The employer was reluctant.But, I dont think youd be a good salesman with the way you talk, said the employer.Pweashe… give me a chanshe, the man begged.So the man was hired to sell toothbrushes. He tried and tried, but was unable to sell any toothbrushes.The man went to his boss, having done a terrible job. The boss wanted to fire the man, but the man insisted he be given another chance.I got sze besht idear, he told his boss.The next week, when the man reported to his boss, the man had sold 10,000 toothbrushes.Wow! his boss exclaimed. How did you do it?Well, it wash shimple, shee. I gone to the airport, shet up a table, and shet up shum chips and dips. The people would come, and tashte the chips and dips, and would say they tast like crap.Then I would shay, it IS crap, you wanna buy a toofbrush?

Its 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. Its mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the … [fill in the blank].

The sergeant barks: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit responds: No, sir!

The sergeant: Why not, soldier?

The recruit: Because Im a rough tough marine, sir!

The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his … [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit screams: No, sir!

Why not, soldier? Because Im a rough tough marine. Sir!

The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. Did you feel that?

No, sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: If youve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frogs undivided attention.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, LOL, LOL.

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can hang out.

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say he he he he or heh heh heh instead of laughing.

13. You say SCROLL UP when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience withdrawal after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….Where did the time go??

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. BRB. Leave your S/N and Ill TTYL…ASAP.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. Youre on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

IBM: Incompatible Business Machines