Old and New Jokes

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.



Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.



As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.



Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.



The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then he hands the bottle to the priest.



The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any?



The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!

Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were
only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old
do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be
performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe fax.

–
At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb
blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked
one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus
20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "thats not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance."

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10
plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again
the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker.
"How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

While I was attending a law course, the Audiatur et altera pars rule was explained to us.

Translated it means, Also the other party has to be heard. After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule.

From the auditorium a man shouted, My wife!

According to a recent survey, approximately 35 per cent of all American men think sex is the best way to end an argument.

Let me tell you something, says Jay Leno. This could revolutionize the game of hockey.

– The Tonight Show, NBC

• Ghost Poopie
  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but theres no poopie in the toilet.
• Clean Poopie
  The kind where you seen the poopie come out, but theres nothing on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Poopie
  The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you wont ruin it with a stain.
• The Second Wave Poopie
  It happens when youre done poopying, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
• Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie
  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
• Richard Simmons Poopie
  You poopie so much that you lose 30 pounds.
• The Lincoln Log Poopie
  The kind of poopie that is sooo huge, youre afraid to flush, so you break it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Gasey Poopie
  It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
• The Drunker Poopie
  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking, its most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
• The Corn Poopie
  Self-explanatory.
• The Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
  The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp, and fart a few times.
• Spinal Tap Poopie
  That when it hurts so bad, you swear it is leaving you sideways.
• The Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
  The kind where its coming out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
• The Liquid Poopie
  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
• The Mexican Food Poopie
  It smells sooo bad that the room needs to be condemned!!!
• The Surprise Poopie
  A fart with a lump in it.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldnt move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..

Not very freakin strong tonight, are you Batman!

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Lets see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s, 9 Bs, 21 B-s…