Old and New Jokes

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, You wish you had ordered that.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesnt know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor.

At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says Make a woman out of me.

He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies – Alright, iron that.

1.- La gente que, cuando me pregunta la hora, señala su muñeca.

¡Carajo, yo ya sé donde tengo mi reloj! ¿Qué tú no? ¿Qué acaso cuando preguntan por el baño también se agarran su cosa?

2.- Me choca la gente que está dispuesta a recorrer toda la casa y revisar cada uno de los rincones del cuarto para buscar el control remoto, porque le da flojera pararse a cambiarle manualmente.

3.-Cuando la gente te dice: Las cosas siempre están en el último lugar en el que buscas.

¡Claro! Sí no, ¿para qué carajos hubieras seguido buscando si ya lo encontraste? ¿A poco hay gente que de veras lo hace?

4.-Cuando te dicen en el cine: ¿Viste eso?

¡No, idiota, pagué $40.00 para venir al cine y quedarme viendo al techo!

5.-La gente que te pregunta: ¿Te puedo preguntar algo?

Como que no te dan mucha alternativa ¿no?

6.-Cuando algo es nuevo y mejorado.

¿Qué fregados es? Si es nuevo es que no existía antes y si es mejorado… ¡No puede ser el primero de su especie!

7.-Cuando un policía te detiene y te pregunta: ¿a qué velocidad iba, joven?

Carajo, tú deberías de saber. Tú me paraste ¿no?

8.- Preguntas estúpidas como:

Me robaron.

¿QUIÉN?

Se me perdió mi cartera.

¿DÓNDE?

¿TE CORTASTE EL PELO?

No, güey, me cayó ácido en la cabeza o no, estúpido, se me encogió la cabeza

¿ESTÁS EMBARAZADA?

No, me puse esta bata para ver si me quedaba bien.

¿YA LLEGASTE?

No, estás viendo un holograma.

Cuando en lugares como el estadio de futbol, el cine, o inclusive un restaurante o una biblioteca, te preguntan:

¿QUÉ HACES AQUÍ?

Nada, vine a barrer… a saludar a los meseros y ya me voy.

Did you know that heaven and hell are right next to each other? Well they are and there seperated by a VERY long fence.



Well one night hell had a really big party and knocked down the fence. The next day God called satan over and told him to put the fence back up. Satan agreed and they then parted ways.



The day after that God came back and called satan back and said Satan look! The fence is now 3 feet into Heaven! I demand that you put it back!!!



And what if i dont?? Satan replyed.



Then I guess Ill have to sue God replyed.



Well how are you going to get a lawyer? Theyre all in hell!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?

My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?
I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.