Old and New Jokes

You know its cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Tips for RednecksGeneral
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.Entertaining in your home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a womans jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (outside the family)
* Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago.
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.Theater Etiquette
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cant hear you.Weddings
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for

Two blondes, Carol and Sandi, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, Hmmm, this person looks familiar.

Sandi said, Let me look! So Carol handed her the compact. Sandi looked in the mirror and said, DUH, you idiot, its me!

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face.

We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called The Knob.

What is the knob, doctor? she asked.

It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles and skin which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again.

Oh, yes! that is what I would like to have, she replied excitedly.

The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice a new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! Her face was again beautiful!

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called doctor and reported the bags.

You better get right over and let me check this out! the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said, The bags under your eyes are your breasts.

Well, she said. I guess that explains the goatee.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, Sir, have you been drinking?Just water, says the priest.The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine?The priest looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! Hes done it again!

Q: Why is Perots wife glad he didnt get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?
Where is the bar tender?

A las dos de la madrugada suena un teléfono y se oye la voz de un borracho:

¿Es usted el (hip) dueeeño de la tienda (hip) de licoresssss del barrio?

Pues sí, lo soy ¿y qué?

Naaada, (hip) quería preguntar a qué hora abre.

A las ocho, y cuelga enojado.

A las cuatro de la madrugada, vuelve a sonar el teléfono y se oye una voz todavía más borracha:

¡Hola, jefeee (hip)! ¿A que hooora decía que abría?

¡A las ocho hombre, y déjeme dormir!

A las seis, el teléfono suena otra vez. El borracho casi no puede ya hablar:

¡Holaaa jefeeecccito! Con quuue abrre a las ocho ¿eh?

Le dije que no me llamara más. Abro a las ocho y tenga un poco de paciencia para entrar.

Esss que yo no quiierro entrarrrr. ¡Lo que quierooo es salirrrrr…!