At an out of town bar, a young man was watching a very pretty brunette in a corner booth. After a couple of drinks he got up the nerve to walk over and ask to buy her a drink. To his surprise she invited him to join her.
They have a great time and she invites him to her place after a few more drinks.
When they arrive at her place she says she wants to get comfortable and she leaves the room to change. The young man pulls out a cigerette but cant find a lighter so he asks the lady if she has one.
She tells him to look in the drawer by the bed. He does and he finds the matches and a picture of a man stuffed into the drawer.
The woman comes out of the bathroom in a slinky teddy and they start to go at it pretty heavy, but the young man starts to get nervous about the picture. So he decides to ask. Is that a picture of your husband in the drawer?
No silly. she answered, and they started up again.
She rolled over for him to enter her for anal sex, but he is still worried. Is it your boyfriend he asks.
No silly, she answered again.
Soon the young man explodes in the woman, rolls over exhausted but still worried.
Well who the heck is the guy in the picture? he finally asks in annoyance.
She sits up next to him, takes a match out of the box strikes it across her face and lights a cigerette for him. Oh, that was me before the operation.
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said Ya know Mahtha, Ahd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.
Every year Martha would say, Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.
So Stumpy says, By Jeebers Mahtha, Im 71 yeahs old, if I dont go this time I may nevah go.
Martha replies, Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.
So the pilot overhears them and says, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I wont charge you, but just one word and its ten dollars.
They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing… so fair is fair and he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didnt!
And Stumpy replies, Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out… but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!
A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews.
I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.
The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.
One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.
Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition. (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. (controlling huh?)The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the mans hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said….Clean my house.
Question: Why did the hamster cross the road?
Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chickens ass!
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY – She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didnt work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said Im afraid of needles, the electric chair wont work so youre going to have to hang me.
You might be a redneck if…
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
yo mama is just so stupid