A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: What is 3 times 3?

The patient answered: 111.

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told that the answer was Tuesday.

He told both that they werent healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: What is 3 times 3?

The reply: 9.

Great!!! Youre cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?

The patient replied: Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!

In todays era of affirmative action and politically correct
speaking, it is no longer acceptable to say handicapped or
disabled. Challenged is now the acceptable term.

Such was the case when a morning radio personality (somewhere
around Maryland) recently reported a traffic jam caused by a
mechanically challenged vehicle.

The unfortunate thing about using the word challenged when
referring to a disabled person is, it wont change the nature of their
disability, nor is it likely to change peoples feelings toward them.
Instead, as has happened with so many other words, challenged will
take on the new meaning. Twenty years from now, when we say that a
skier was challenged by an expert slope, we will probably mean that
he broke his leg.

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I got one… I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes…and I feel terrible…Id say Get well soon…but I know its incurable.

3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire….I found your cat…Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends…. heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. Youve announced that youre gay, and wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be…Dont fret about your wife though… Shes moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead… and it was so alive… you shouldnt have installed… Win95.

9. You totalled your car… and cant remember why… maybe it was… that case of Bud Dry

10. So you lost your job… Its one of those hardships in life… Next time, work harder… and stay away from the bosss wife.

Heard on Politically Incorrect last night:

Robert Shapiro comes up to O.J. and says,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, your blood is all over the
crime scene, and the DNA tests pretty much prove you did it. The good news
is, your cholesterol is 130.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, its like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, cause its sooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she….

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.

Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Oprah Winfrey has not died yet. This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Talibans fighting spirit.

Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers while saying, I am the way, the truth and the life, follow me or die.

However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap out of an effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were discarded as insensitive to Muslim allies.

Un tipo va al motel con su novia y ve en el estacionamiento el auto de su mejor amigo. Era mediodía y el amigo debería estar trabajando. Para hacerle una broma, le quita un tapón de una de las llantas del coche y se lo lleva.

Esa misma noche va a casa de su amigo, toca el timbre y dice:

¡Mira lo que tengo!

Sí, le contesta el amigo, el tapón de la llanta del coche ¿De dónde lo sacaste?

Bajando sensiblemente el tono de voz el tipo le replica:

No te hagas pendejo. ¿Qué hacías hoy al mediodía en el motel?

El amigo se queda un instante callado, gira hacia adentro de la casa y grita:

¡Querida… acá está el tapón que te robaron hoy en el supermercado!

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

¿Cuál es tu nombre, hijo?

Soy Bond, James Bond.

Sí, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aquí lo tienes que demostrar.

¿Qué desea que haga?

Mira, déjame aquí en la puerta una identificación y pásale a buscar a Adán; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond.

Pasan unos minutos y éste llega con Adán de la mano.

Bueno, aquí tiene a Adán.

¿Cómo lo encontraste entre tantos?, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

Muy fácil, sólo busqué al único hombre que no tiene ombligo, le responde con su típica flema inglesa.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Adán al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Adán:

Aquí está de nuevo.

¡Puta, hijo! ¿Cómo le hiciste?

Fue muy sencillo, busqué a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Adán.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo… es más, no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Adán, y los mete en un cuarto en el que únicamente se podían ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Adán a un lado.

Aquí está Adán de nuevo, ¿ahora sí puedo pasar?

¡Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada más dime: ¿cómo le hiciste para encontrarlo?

Muy fácil, entré al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: ¡Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El único que no brincó a golpearme fue él.

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank managers favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!