Old and New Jokes

Un viejito se muere y llega al cielo, pero San Pedro no estaba allí para recibirlo, el que estaba era Jesús, y al ver al pobre viejecito le pregunta: Tu nombre por favor.

El viejito le contesta: Estoy tan viejo que no me acuerdo de mi nombre.

Bueno, ¿de donde vienes?

De un lugar muy lejos, no recuerdo.

Necesito saber algo de ti para localizarte en los archivos, ¿a qué te dedicas o qué?

Pues cuando todavía vivía era carpintero, y tenia sólo un hijo que llegó a ser muy famoso, pero ya hace tienpo, mucho tiempo que no lo veo.

Al oír esto dice Jesús: ¡PAPA!

Y el viejito recobra la memoria y le contesta:

¡PINOCHO!

Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with I.

Julie: I is…



Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, I am.



Julie: All right . . . I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, Granted. The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks. The man replied, What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?

Cheap plastic rings

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we have been talking about the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didnt work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor.

P-u-t-t is correct, he replied.

Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

What type of salad dressing do the Chinese use?

Chairman Mayo.

The Fund Raising Problems of Father Murphy

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for
suggestions as to how he could raise money for his church. He was
told that horse owners always had money so ho went to a horse auction,
but he made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought that he might as well enter the donkey in a race.

The donkey came in third, and the next day the headlines in the
paper read, Father Murphys Ass Shows. The archbishop saw the paper
and was very displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the
headlines read Father Murphys Ass out front. The Archbishop was up
in arms and figured that something had to be done.

Father Murphy entered the donkey for the third time and this time
this time it came in second. Now the headlines read Father Murphys
Ass back in place. The Archbishop thought this too much so he forbad
the priest to enter the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor
to write Archbishop Scratches Father Murphys Ass. Finally, the
Archbishop heard this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey. So he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines
read Nun Owns Best Ass in Town. When the archbishop heard this, he
ordered her to dispose of the animal at once, so she sold it for ten
dollars. The next day the headlines read Sister Agatha Peddles Her
Ass for Ten Dollars.

They buried the Archbishop.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman have you seen my brother?… and the barman says I dont know, what does he look like? (ba-dum-tish)

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "Im pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"