A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry.
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry.
She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.
Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?
I dont like her.
14
Nov
14
Nov
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs.
That was the good news.
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldnt move.
Oh, Lord, the preacher prayed, Im so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish … Please make a Christian out of that bear thats coming at me. Please, Lord!
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preachers feet.
Dear God the bear said, Bless this food I am about to receive …
14
Nov
None, the power should be back on any minute anyway
14
Nov
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two…but I dont know how theyd get in there!
13
Nov
More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.
13
Nov
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice
13
Nov
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.â€
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.
Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.
He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!
13
Nov
HabÃa 3 homosexuales comentando entre ellos que querÃan ser. El primero dice:
Yo quisiera ser mariposa.
Los demás le dicen ¿Mariposa?
SÃ, para volar, volar y volar.
El segundo dice: yo quisiera ser gallina.
¿Gallina?
SÃ, imagÃnate un gallo que te pise todos los dÃas.
El tercero dice: yo quisiera ser ambulancia.
¿Ambulancia?
¡SÃ, te imaginas que te abran por detrás, te metan un hombre entero y salir uuuiiiiiiiiiii!
13
Nov
Un niño llega a la comisarÃa de policÃa sollozando y con lágrimas. Un carabinero conmovido por tal situación se le acerca:
¿Qué te pasa, mijito?
Es que estaba en mi casa y al pasar por el dormitorio de mis papás escuché que mi mamá le decÃa a mi papá: Viejo, viejo, me voy… ¡Me voy! Y mi papá le respondÃa: SÃ, vieja. ¡Yo también me voy! Y yo pa no quedarme solo me vine pa ca.
13
Nov
Un motorista de la Guardia Civil para un coche que circula a gran velocidad:
Buenos dÃas, ¿se ha dado cuenta que iba usted a más de 180?
Lo siento, pero es que estoy muy borracho y no me fijo en las señales.
¿Me permite su carnet de conducir?
No va a poder ser, me lo retiraron por atropellar dos ancianas.
¿Los papeles del coche?
Es que no es mÃo, lo acabo de robar.
Mire en la guantera, quizás estén ahÃ.
¡Imposible, los habrÃa visto cuando puse la pistola!
¿Qué pistola?
Hombre, la pistola con la que maté a la niña que llevo en el maletero…
El guardia civil, asustado, retrocede hacia su moto y por la radio pide refuerzos. Inmediatamente se presentan varios coches de la Guardia Civil y rodean al infractor.
El comandante se acerca al conductor:
Buenos dÃas, ¿me permite su permiso de circulación?
No faltaba más, aquà tiene usted.
¿Los papeles del vehÃculo?
Por supuesto, tenga usted.
Ahora, con mucho cuidado… ¿PodrÃa abrir la guantera?
Claro. (Abre y se ve la guantera vacÃa).
Ahora, ábrame el maletero. (El conductor abre y… ¡El maletero está vacÃo!)
Perdone, pero no entiendo nada, hemos venido urgentemente porque nos habÃan dicho que estaba usted borracho, que conducÃa sin carnet, que el vehÃculo era robado y sin papeles, que llevaba una pistola en la guantera, un cadáver en el maletero…
El conductor, interrumpiéndole, lanza:
¡No me diga más, seguro que también le han dicho que conducÃa con exceso de velocidad! ¿Verdad?