Old and New Jokes

Ones a sick duck and I dont remember the rest, but your mothers a whore.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have
it.

He takes it to the owner, How much for the bronze rat?

$12 for the rat, $100 for the story, says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12, Ill just take the rat, you can keep
the story.

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun
following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown
to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the
Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the
millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and
faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the
millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

Ah ha, says the owner, you have come back for the story?

No, says the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze
Republican.

Una pareja está bailando.

¿Cómo te llamas?, le pregunta el chico.

Ema, contesta ella con un desagradable aliento.

Preocupado por ella, el joven insiste:

¿No estás mala de tu higadito?

No, responde con un tufo terrible.

¿No tendrás una muela picada?

Pues no, sólo tengo un puente aquí, aclara mientras le señala el lugar.

Pues alguien está haciendo caca debajo del puente.

Manolo le dice a Venancio:

¡Qué grande este Henry Ford: amasó fortunas vendiendo autos!

Su amigo le contesta:

Más grande fue su hermano Roque, que se hizo rico vendiendo quesos.

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.

Artery – The study of paintings

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan – searching for kitty

Cauterize – made eye contact with her

Colic – a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C – Where Washington is

Dilate – to live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – quicker than someone else

Fibula – a small lie

Genital – a non-Jewish person

GI series – world series of military baseball

Hangnail – what you hang your coat on

Impotent – distinguished, well-known

Labor pain – getting hurt at work

medical staff – a doctors cane

Morbid – a higher offer

Nitrates – cheaper than day rates

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – a person who has fainted

Pap Smear – A fatherhood test

Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative – a letter carrier

Recovery room – place to do upholstery

Rectum – darn near killed him

Secretion – hiding something

Seizure – a Roman emperor

Tablet – a small table

Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport

Tumor – one plus one more

Urine – opposite of youre out

Varicose – nearby / close by

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jenny!
Jenny who?
Jennymen prefer blondes!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?

CHUCK.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, Did you actually see the accident?The witness: Yes, sir.The lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened?The witness: Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.The lawyer (thinking hed trap the witness): Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?The witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. A brick only gets laid once!!

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.

The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, Are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all