Old and New Jokes

Freemans Commentary on Ginsbergs theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsbergs Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at 88.
Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
Rust problem in engineering causes support failure– one corner
of warp coil now held up by phone book.
Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with w.
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
Captains chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
side become too steep for crew to climb.
Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop and the ship is
overcome by ten thousand care bears.
Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.
Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
Bug in main computer speech processor– computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesleys shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
Ships dryer indiscriminately shreds crews uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing
with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
Pretty please with sugar on it.
Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
and loses access to nude volleyball program.
Replacement parts for automatic door to captains ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say Not bad,
but I couldve done better.

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, Youre going to spend eternity with
this combo, OK? Theres a bass player named Mingus and a pianist
named Monk, and any day now we expect this Blakey guy to show up
with his drums. Wow! the guy says, I never imagined heaven would be this
good. So the guy in the robe says, This is hell, not heaven. Theres
a girl singer.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.

The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

The second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was being irrational.

Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?

Are they afraid someone might clean them!?

The Biggest, orneriest, hombre in the West stomped into a saloon bellowing, Im big, Im mean and Ive got a cock the size of Texas!

A wimpy guy standing at the bar timidly asked him his name.

Turner Brown, the giant grunted.

The wimp suddenly fainted dead away. When he revived, the big galoot
hovered
over him. What ails you boy? Alls I said was my name is Turner Brown.

Oh, _Turner Brown_! I thought you said, Turn around.

(As read in an old issue of Playboy)

You think Hamlet is on the McDonalds breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, Lets hit the road for dinner, and then grabs a shovel.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: Why arent there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they dont get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they dont leave trails, like snails.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blondes vagina?
A: The Blonde!

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if shed ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No. But Ive been swung around by the tits.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Your momma is like a race car . . .

She burns four rubbers a day.