Old and New Jokes

What is the evidence that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

He had a beard.
His name was Abraham.
He was shot in the temple.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.

Un hombre tuvo un terrible accidente y le amputaron las piernas y los brazos.

Ya dado de alta del hospital, fue a visitar a su mejor amigo; cuando éste último lo vio, exclamó:

¡Qué dice ese tronco de hombre!

A propósito del gráfico Oops, se acabó el papel sanitario, la situación no es tan difícil:

Agarre usted un pedazo de papel del tamaño de un boleto de autobús; hágale 4 dobleces y corte la punta central. Le quedará un anillo justo que se pondrá en el dedo con que se aseará. Retire con cuidado el anillo y deséchelo. Con la punta que cortó límpiese la uña por si le quedara algún residuo y… ¡Asunto arreglado!

Baers Quartet: Whats good politics is bad economics; whats bad politics is good economics; whats good economics is bad politics; whats bad economics is good politics. – Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as Whats good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.)

An amount of blood loss which threatens the viability
of the patient, and the composure of the attending physician.

Q: Why arent blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they cant even keep two calves together!

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.

Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife…she goes wild!

A lovely young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Wheres the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it! They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprits wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couples faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, Well, I gotta put the kid through college, dont I?

(I got this one from my next door neighbor, who got it from his brother…)

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in
Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles
from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.
He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your
primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock
quarry down the road. The work isnt easy, but you will get used to it.
Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights.

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong
enough that it isnt a real problem.

However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely.
With the nearest women 200 miles away, he cant imagine how the other miners
endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

What do you want? asks the manager.

Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but …
well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?

Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something.

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage.
He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until
he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred
years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: The other miners use this.

What?

Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out.

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he
gives it a shot. He absolutely cant believe the results. He practically
busts a nut–the best damned blow job hes ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes
back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even
better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday.
He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He cant think of much to do, so
he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into
the manager, who asks him:

What are you doing here?

Its my day off …

Day off? Hell no! Its your turn in the barrel.