Old and New Jokes

Taken from Quakers Are Funny! by Chuck Fager, Kimo Press, 1987:

One World War II Quaker conscientious objector had been a
professional wrestler. Once when he and some other inmates of the
Coshocton CPS camp in Ohio made a trip into town, they were hassled
about their pacifism by some local youths, who insisted that only
force could change the Germans views.

In response, the ex-wrestler took off his coat, challenged one of
the local boys to a match, and promptly threw the townie across the
room. He then asked the youth, Now do you believe that force wont
change peoples views?

Heck no! the local boy hollered back.

Thats exactly my point, said the Quaker, who put on his coat and left.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently dont know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules arent followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you dont follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you dont want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Dont sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said, All Ive got is two twenties. The robber took them and left.
6. Dont advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the tellers car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Dont be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out not to mention severe burns in sensitive places – as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

From a jokes list in Greece:

Two friends meet in the street:

– Hi John, why are you in such a mess?

– I was in this great party yesterday night and drank so much they had to take me to the hospital.

– Well, Ive never had such a problem. Each time I get drunk I go home and passionate love to my wife. After that, its all clear in my head.

– Really? I have to try this!

– Ok, see ya.

Few days later they meet again:

– John, you look much better now. Did you do what i told you?

– Oh yes, you were right my friend. I feel great. By the way, youve got a really nice house.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Stu!
Stu who?
Stu late to ask questions!

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad cant keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasnt been done already !

Una trabajadora social visita una comunidad extremadamente pobre.

Al estar platicando con el jefe de una familia le llama la atención el grado tan extremo de pobreza, y lo grande que era esa familia. Contaban con 10 hijos y la esposa estaba embarazada del undécimo. Comentando con el patriarca lo difícil que era la vida diaria en la familia, el menor de los integrantes de la familia, un niño de escasos 4 años, le advierte al papá:

Papá, papá, se te están viendo los testículos.

El padre un poco sonrojado por la situación se disculpa con la trabajadora social, y ella le comenta, realmente me llama la atención el hecho de que su hijo se haya referido a sus órganos sexuales de esa manera

No señorita, no se trata de educación la forma de hablar de mi muchacho, lo que pasa es que si le digo que son huevos… se los come.

There was three guys walking down a street.

One was a Christian, the second was a Muslim and the third was a Hindu. They heard a startling noise as they turned around, they realized that there was a flood and it was coming right for them. So what do they do they start to pray.



The christian guy said, Jesus oh Father I need your help please save me.



So he was saved.



The Muslim guy started to pray, Oh Allah I need your help please save me.



So he was saved.



Then the hindu guy said ok they were saved and they only have one god, and I have soo many I will be saved faster than them.



So the Hindu guy prayed, Oh Mata Ji, and

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Why cant you be a non-conformist like everyone else?