Old and New Jokes

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

There is no such thing as instant experience.

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

I need to take that walkman off your head, says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

You cant! Ill die! retorts the blonde.

I cant cut your hair with the walkman on your ears! says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

I said you cant take it off, or Ill die!

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating breath in, breath out, breath in.

Apparatus that automatically turns red
when your car approaches.

Two nuns were driving their car through Transylvania when suddenly Count
Dracula lands on the car, snarling.

Quick show him your cross! Said one of the nuns.

The second nun replied, Get off the God damn car!!

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you dont Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.