11
Nov

Newlyweds

Once upon a time, there was a village.

The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked
about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.

A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.

The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But
you are getting married soon, I dont want you to get hurt.

What is it? What is it? Let me know, the ignorant groom eagerly asked.

The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said,
But you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their
private place. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws.

How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?

Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Dont take
any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee.

The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you…

The bride also eagerly asked for advice.

The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive.

Oh, please help me. What should I do? The bride was scared.

Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night, she lied.
I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached.

In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.

… And they slept separately ever after.

[Ed: Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several
of them, but I thought I would try this. Dont send me yours.]

11
Nov

Seminars for Females/Males

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: Its your problem, not mine (Its happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.)

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; its as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, Me too equals I love you)

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, Fabric bad, electronics good)

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond Clean and Dirty – The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, Wedlock Schmedlock)

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above I do

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, Dont wash my silks)

8. Parenting: It doesnt end with conception

9. Get a life; learn to cook

10. How not to act like a jackass when youre obviously wrong

11. Spelling: Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You: The weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake in public

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower

20. Ill wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled No, its not a bidet)

22. The weekend and sports are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too

29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, You dont look like Mel Gibson when naked)

32. Changing your underwear: It really works

33. The attainable goal: removing tits from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary

35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

11
Nov

Traveling Saleman.

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

You rotten bastard! yelled the husband…Im going to kill you!

Wait!, said Mrs. Jones.

You know that fur coat I got last winter?

Well, he gave it to me.

And that diamond ring we sold for $1000s?

Well, he gave it to me.

And remember when we couldnt aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims…

For heaven sake woman, its drafty in here.

Cover him so he doesnt catch cold!

10
Nov

Knock Knock Whos there? Paris! Paris who? Paris the

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!

10
Nov

Computer lingo guide

Port – Where the commercial fishing boats dock

10
Nov

En algn restaurante de la

En algún restaurante de la ciudad, entra un hombre a comer. Se le acerca el mesero y le pregunta que se va a servir. El hombre le contesta, Deme la cuchara por favor.

El mesero, asombrado, se la entrega, y el hombre la huele y le dice: Hay arroz con pollo, ¿verdad?

El mesero se asombra y le dice que sí y le sirve el plato.

Al día siguiente, entra el mismo hombre al restaurante, y le pide nuevamente la cuchara al mesero, éste se la da, el hombre la huele y le dice: Hay arroz con menestra, ¿verdad?

El mesero le dice que sí y le sirve el plato. Al otro día el mesero ve que el hombre va a entrar al restaurante y le pide a Mechita que se pase la cuchara por la vagina. Cuando se sienta el hombre, el mesero le dice: La cuchara, ¿verdad?

Cuando el hombre la huele dice: Mesero, aquí trabaja Mechita ¿verdad?

10
Nov

Yo Moma so fat

Yo Moma so fat, when you get on top of her, your ears



pop.



Yo Moma so fat, when she has sex, she has to give



directions.



Yo Momaso fat, she has a refrigerator strapped to her



waist, and it looks like a pager.



Yo Momaso fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain



claimed her for their new world.



Yo Momaso fat, she sat on the beach and Green peace threw



her in.



Yo Momaso fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned



my ass on the light bulb.



Yo Momaso fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion.



Yo Momaso fat, shes moving the Earth out of its orbit.



Yo Momaso fat, she has 48 midnight snacks.



Yo Momaso fat, she plays pool with the planets.



Yo Momaso fat, she made Richard Simmons cry.



Yo Momaso fat, when she went to get a water bed, they



put a blanket across Lake Michigan.



Yo Momaso fat, she dont know whether shes walking or



rolling.



Yo Momaso fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

10
Nov

Money on Trees

Q: Why doesnt money grow on trees?

A: Because the banks control all of the branches.

10
Nov

Knock Knock Whos there? Kendall! Kendall who? Kendall and

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kendall!
Kendall who?
Kendall and Barbie go together!

10
Nov

Out With The Boys

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wifes panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, shell never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wifes panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he hed be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

How did you get in here so fast? he asked.

Shhhhh!!! she replied, youll wake-up my mother!