Old and New Jokes

There was a little piece of Jewish cheese


and when he gave a big Jewish sneeze


he fell over and couldnt get back up


Then one day he saw a piece of Jewish clay


and deseided to make himself Jewish legs


when he was done he went to John


and said Im not finished

Why do men name their penises?

Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!

According to Harpers Index, sales of California Raisin(TM) merchandise in
North America topped $450 million last year. Sales of actual California
raisins were only $400 million during the same period.

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, Hey, whatcha doin with that pig?

Thats not a pig, you stupid ass! she said coldly. Thats a duck.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.

Pasos que deben de seguir los hombres para hacer feliz a una mujer:

Regálele flores

Llévela a pasear cada noche

Cómprele un auto nuevo

Llénela de prendas

Escríbale un poema a la semana

Cántele una canción al atardecer

Dígale que sin ella usted se muere

Bésele los ojos con ternura

Acaríciela como si fuese un bebé

Desnúdela con la boca

Hágale el amor despacio y a media luz

Refiérase a las demás mujeres con desprecio

Susúrrele al oído sus más dulces palabras de amor

Contrátele una empleada doméstica

Búsquele un chofer

Regrese a su casa siempre después del trabajo

No tome cervezas

No vea fútbol

Déle el remoto de la tele a ella

Pasos que deben de seguir las mujeres para hacer feliz a un hombre:

¡Chúpesela!

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.



Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – whats his secret? Hes as ugly as sin and Im everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – Whats going on?



Well, Said the Barman, I dont know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didnt
want to upset him.

The CIA advertised for new recruits. Three men answered and went to the office
for an interview.

After filling out their applications, they were taken one at a time into another
room where the interviewer told them, One of the requirements for joining the
CIA is that you have to prove your loyalty to us. We want you to take this gun,
go in the other room and shoot your wife!

Startled, the first job seeker replied, I cannot do that, we just got married!

The interviewer then told him that he was sorry, but that he would not receive a
job offer.

The second applicant was then taken into the room and given the same proposal,
to which he answered, I cannot do that. We have been married 10 years and we
have two lovely children!

At that point, he was turned away also.

The last applicant was presented with the ultimatum in the same monotone to
which he replied, Sure, I will do it!

He marched into the other room. Shots were fired and then noise came from the
room as if a brawl were ensuing, including loud screams, kicking and thumping.

The interviewee returned to the room where he was asked what had happened.

He said, Some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink.

The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks, Hey – how much?

Bartender replies, For you – no charge!

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear. –Dave Barry

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down. –Robert Benchley

Dogs come when theyre called; cats take a message and get back to you
later. –Mary Bly

In order to keep a true perspective of ones importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him. –Dereke Bruce

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well. –Missy Dizick

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs. –Aldous Huxley

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want. –Joseph Wood Krutch

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. –Joseph Wood Krutch

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
thats how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. –Rita Rudner

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a
cow. They must think were the greatest hunters on earth! –Anne Tyler

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow. –Jeff Valdez

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. –Alfred North Whitehead

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all
owned by cats. –Anonymous

Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it. –Unknown

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this. –Unknown

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. –Unknown

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
–Unknown