Old and New Jokes

Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think theyre entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats step on bugs.

Republicans call an exterminator.

Democrats eat the big fish they catch.

Republicans have them mounted.

Democrats sit on the dock and fish,

Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat.

Democrats make a lot of plans, but dont do much with them.

Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made.

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

Well, Ensign, its history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that youre valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, youre twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, youre obviously a star. That answer your question?

Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?

Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, weve always covered our pricks with leaves …

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

7. Mention that Mr Happy is primed and ready.

6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

2. Pretend to eat your arm.

1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

• Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

• Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.

• You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

• You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

• Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

• You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

• You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

• You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually dine standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.)

• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

• Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products dont even exist anymore.

• You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

• You get all excited when its Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

• You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are acceptable English phrases.

• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

• You ask your friends to think out of the box when making Friday night plans.

• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

• You think a half-day means leaving at 5 oclock.

Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriends place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didnt do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I cant praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags… Thanks again! John Smith

One day joey,sam, and bob went on a hunting trip. When they finally got a deer and started heading back to the car it was already getting late. after awhile joey and sam started complaining. Joey was tired of dragging the deer and wanted to stop and gut it, to make it lighter. Sam just had to shit realy bad. After awhile bob got tired of the whining and stopped. Sam went off in the woods to shit while joey and bob gut the deer. After a couple minutes joey and bob took some deer guts and snuck up on sam. they placed the guts under sam and went back to finish guting the deer. when sam came back his face was white as if he had seen a ghost.guys i really had to shit and i mean i REALLY had to shit said sam. joey and bob started laughing and asked what had hapened. well i went shit and when i turned around to look at what was in me i saw my guts in a big pile, but dont worry, i put them back in!said sam.

There was this fried egg walking down the street in Havana



minding its own business. It hears some noise behind it,



turns around, and sees a crowd of hungry Cubans in the



distance bearing down on it.



It runs away as fast as its little fried egg legs will



go, when it sees a steak. It yells to the steak, Run



away! Run away! Theyll get you too! but the steak just



laughs and says, Shit, they wont even recognize me!

Pick them up off the floor

If the prefix con is the opposite of the prefix pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
Mention that Mr Happy is primed and ready.
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
Pretend to eat your arm.
Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.