Old and New Jokes

Etiquette and Behavior:

EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mothers

EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

EB107: Apologizing For Farting When Youre On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:

GE101: You, The Whining Sex

GE102: Why You Dont Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:

HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too

HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

HE106: How To Close The Garage Door

HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity

HE110: Overcoming The Imelda Syndrome (formerly called How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?)

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

IR102: If You Dont Want An Excuse, Dont Demand An Explanation

IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching The Three Stooges

IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:

LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag

LS102: Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

LS103: Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right

LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

LS105: Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

LS107: Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank

LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack

LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy – Why It Wont Ruin Your Brain

LS111: Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause

LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:

SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man

SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes

SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: Its Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom

SE104: How To Say Yes More Often

SE105: How To Say No But Really Mean Yes

SE106: Lingerie – The Gift That Keeps On Giving

SE107: Sexual Alternatives For That Time Of The Month (formerly called Any Old Port In A Storm)

SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patricks Day parade – at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you havent been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayors first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, dont look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens dont have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

Nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

I Wish I had a Pound

Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
I would take it in the shower,
And Id glory in its power.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.

—Songs of Cesium #111

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?

The cabbie says, Sure.

So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in fronts back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, What the hell do you think youre doing?

The bloke behind tells him, Well, Im a chiropractor and I cant help myself. I cant help practicing my art.

Are you crazy?

says the bloke in front, Im a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

Its important to pay close attention in school. For years I thought that bears masturbated all winter.

—Damon R. Milhem

WORLDS EASIEST

QUIZ!





FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE WHO WANTS TO BE A



MILLIONAIRE



OR EVEN THE WEAKEST LINK…HERES THE WORLDS



EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing



requires 4 correct answers)





1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?





2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) From which animal do we get catgut?





4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October



Revolution?



5)



What is a camels hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific



are named after what



animal?



7) What was King George VIs first name?





8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?







All done? Check your answers below!



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x



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x



x



x





x



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x



x



x



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x



x



x



x



ANSWERS TO THE



QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years



2) Which country



makes Panama hats? Ecuador



3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep



and Horses



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October



Revolution?



November



5) What is a camels hair brush made of? Squirrel fur



6) The



Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what



animal? Dogs



7)



What was King George VIs first name? Albert



8) What color is a purple



finch? Crimson



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand





WHAT



DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!





So did I…….