Old and New Jokes

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, You cant be serious, I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fanny!
Fanny who?
Fanny body home!

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?

The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. Its probably just your dad!

Un destacado miembro de la Real Academia Española aprovecha que su mujer estaba de viaje para llevarse a casa a su amante. Pero la esposa regresa antes de lo previsto y entra en la habitación y pilla a su marido en plena faena.

¿Pero qué haces con esta mujer en la cama? ¡Estoy sorprendida!

El académico, sin inmutarse, hace gala de sus conocimientos lingüísticos y le responde:

No, querida, el sorprendido soy yo. Tú estás asombrada.

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office.



The doctor asked, What can I do for you?



The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and charged them $32.



This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.



Finally the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?



The old man said, Were not trying to find out anything. Shes married and we cant go to her house – Im married and we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.

What is the diffrence in French kissing and Australian kissing?

With French, you put your tongues in each others mouth, but with Australian, your down under.

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and shes telling them that the word of the day is contagious. She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. Carl, she says. Carl says, My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps cause theyre contagious. Very good, says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, The atmosphere was contagious. The teacher says, Excellent, Suzie! Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. Yes, Johnny? Johnny says, The other day, me and my dads a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, My Billy loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.

The second man said, My Harry was a good fisherman, so Im going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.

The third man said, My Jimmy was such a good lover, I think Im going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him
that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked her
father, Who was that man going into the barn?

Thats some fellow traveling through, said the farmer. He needed a place to
stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter said, Perhaps he is hungry.

So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour
later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair,
straight up to bed she went.

The farmers wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man
was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she,
too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned
that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. How could he leave without
even saying good-bye, she cried, after we made such passionate love last
night?

What? shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him,
Im gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out, ILAIDTHEOLDLADEEETOO!

And thats how yodeling began.

Next time youre invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you cant attend:

ID LOVE TO BUT…

… I dont want to leave my comfort zone. … I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. … I have to answer all of my occupant letters. … I have to fluff my shower cap. … I have to fulfill my potential. … I left my body in my other clothes. … I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. … Ill be looking for a parking space. … Im being deported. … Im converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. … Im giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. … Im going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. … Im sandblasting my oven. … Im taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving. … Im worried about my vertical hold. … Ive come down with a really horrible case of something or other. … Ive got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting. … its too close to the turn of the century. … my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. … my plot to take over the world is thickening. … my subconscious says no. … none of my socks match. … the grunion are running. … the last time I went, I never came back. … the monsters havent turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.