Old and New Jokes

A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; its fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, Man, have you got anything to drink? The other one says, Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz. So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover hes going to have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and its his buddy. The buddy says, Hey how are you feeling this morning? Im actually feeling really good! The buddy says, Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover…we ought to do this more often!

Yeah, we could but theres just one thing…. Whats that? Did you fart yet? No…Why? Well, DONT, cause Im in PHOENIX!

Two men are in a bar on the 23rd floor of a building.One man says to the other There is something really strange about the air currents outside that window. The other man looks and saysLooks like a normal window to me. Well its not, just watch!, and he jumps out the window! He falls a good 10 feet and then miraculously, he is floating in mid-air right outside the window!The other man is astounded! When he comes back inside the other man can not believe what he has seen,so he decides to try it himself. He steps outside and falls to his death!The first man walks back to the bar and sits down,and the bartender says to him You know youre a real jerk when youre drunk Superman!

A mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a an envelope with Mom written on it lying on the bed. In great trepidation, she tears open the envelope and reads the enclosed letter, her heart in her shoes.

Dearest Mom:

I am so happy; I have eloped with my boyfriend. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with his piercing and special tattoos, especially the one with my name in a heart! I just love his big motorcycle, but its not only that.

Mom, Im sort of pregnant and Yaqui (thats Swahili for Warrior Prince) said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and thats one of my dreams. Ive learned that marijuana doesnt really hurt anyone, so well be growing it for ourselves and Yaquis friends, who will swap for all the cocaine and ecstasy drugs we want. In the meantime, well pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Yaqui to get better.

Dont worry about me, Mom, Im 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day Ill visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Melissa Louise

PS: Hey, Mom, dont freak, none of this is true. Im at Judys house. I just wanted to show you there are lots worse things in life than the report card in my desk drawer . . . Love you, Missy

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

Its beautiful! cried the man, Does he do any tricks?

Yes he does, answered the salesman. If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing Jingle Bells. And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Amazing! exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that hed bought.

Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know know any tricks? asked the wife. The man smiled and said, Watch this. Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. Then he put the match under the birds left foot, and it began to sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Thats incredible! Does he do anything else? the wife asked.

I dont know, lets see. replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause
something like $2800 damage to a Yugo, leaving you with $1200 of
dealer prep.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captains red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the days occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!

A blonde walked into a hairdressers with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut – but dont touch the headphones o.k.?

Fine said the hairdresser – a little taken aback – but happy for the work.

Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, Whatever you do … dont touch the headphones

No problem said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the

restraint.

Three weeks later, the same thing happened and dont forget – dont touch the headphones said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldnt resist and she just lifted

one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. Oh my God – I think Ive killed her screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.

She heard the strangest thing… breathe in…breathe out… breathe in…breathe out.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, George, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.

The Iranian whispered My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Asian, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesnt understand why there arent any Arabs on Star Trek.

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, Its because it takes place in the future.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even Gods omnipotence did not extend to Gods kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:

Dont. Dont what? Adam replied. Dont eat the forbidden fruit. God said.

Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit! No way! Yes, WAY!

Dont eat that fruit! said God. Why? Because Im your Father and I said so! said God, wondering why he hadnt stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

Didnt I tell you not to eat that fruit? the First Parent asked. Uh huh, Adam replied. Then why did you? I dunno, Eve answered. She started it! Adam said. Did not! DID so! DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, Gods punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they havent taken it, dont be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.