Old and New Jokes

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.



Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, I still cant tell where we are Harry, lets ask that gentleman down there on the ground.



Harry yells down to the stranger, Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?



Youre in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air, came the reply.



That man must be a lawyer, George quipped. How can you tell? said Harry.



Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!

Bennetts Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:

1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag

Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series
Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator
describes an event at Stonehenge where a person was grabbed by a terrifying
unseen force and held suspended in the air. I dont know about you, but
where Im from, this is better known as a wedgie.

An English professor wrote the following sentence on the blackboard and asked the students to add correct punctuation: woman without her man is a savage

The men wrote: Woman, without her man, is a savage.

The women wrote: Woman: without her, man is a savage.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

OK, Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, Im your man.

Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

Noah! shouted the Lord, where is My ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arksconstruction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldnt let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldnt complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities Im supposed to hire.

Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I dont think I can finish the ark in less than five years.

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world? he asked hopefully.

No, said the Lord, the government already has!

The Roto Rooter:
Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.

The Rooster:
They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way … lean forward, then draw back!

The Swordfish:
They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses its snout, in a blunt and violent manner.

The Grouper:
As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.

The Deep Sea Diver:
They rarely come up for air.

The Lizard:
Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.

Frozen in Time:
They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.

The Squid:
They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.

The Wrecking Ball:
They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!

Nick-o-Teen:
Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When youre done, you feel like taking a shower.

You might be a redneck if…
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

(Brad, granted this is old, but I hadnt heard it in a while and smirked at it:)

A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy
down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the
farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the
males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it took or not. The breeder replies that
if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant,
but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably werent …

Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer
puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are
rolling in the mud.

About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, I dont
have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive.
You check today. With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and
starts to laugh.

What is it? asks the farmer excitedly. Are they grazing at last?

Nope. says the wife. Two of them are jumping up and down in the back
of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!

Steven Swinkels
Amdahl Corporation