Doctor, I had a terrible dream last night.
What was that, Mr. Mariotti?
I dreamed that I was at a Miss Universe pageant and was surrounded by spectacularly beautiful girls from all over the world, wearing skimpy bathing suits.
Really? And what was bad about it?
I was Miss Italy.
(I guess you can say it was a bit of a drag).
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh!
Computer novices may feel like theyre alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBMs help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PCs serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said shed be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as hibernate. Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a window to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.
The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Are your legs tired? Youve been running through my mind all day long.
Bond. James Bond.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.
Can I buy you a car?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Can I flirt with you?
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.
Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, howd you like them apples?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you take it up the ass?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, dont you like pizza?
Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Lets play gynecologist.
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because theyre mine.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw
Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?
Screw me if Im wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy?
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, Id be coming too.
Want to screw like bunnies?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.
There is an athiest who is walking out in the woods thinking evolution caused all of the beauty of the forest. Well along comes this 7 foot tall grizzley bear. Th e athiest turned around and saw the grizzly and screamed a bloodcurdling scream anruns up the hill. Then the grizzly starts chasing and closing in on him. Well just as the bear got ready to kill him he screamed save me God! Time stopped and a bright light shown in the sky and god said why should I save you after all these years of you teaching others Im not real? The athiest replied, Lord it would be a hypocrocy to ask to be a christian now but could you at least make the bear christian? The Lord said O.K. Time started again and the bear took its paw away and put both together and saidLord thank you for this food I am about to recieve Amen.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”
It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: “Re-read this line.” Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.
Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from
each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the
campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked
for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a
little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole
three days there.
Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed
some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her,
and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!
Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?
No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.
This is a specially
formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day:
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten
directly from freezer)