Old and New Jokes

2 differences in english expressions between UK and North America:

In UK, to knock one up means to knock on their door to wake them up. In Canada it means to get someone prengant.

I had fun with that on while visiting UK with some Canadian friends I told a young lady we would come by in the morning to knock her up. Too bad I cant portray the looks on their faces across the Net.

In UK up yours is a drinking toast, I guess it is short for up your glass. Here, up yours is an insult, usually accompanied by a raised middle finger, and means you should insert something up your you-know-what.

You can have lots of fun with that one, but please be careful!

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joes first time ever hunting, so he was following Bobs lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated. “Well,” Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat em now?’”

(From our pastors sermon on human nature:)

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while
the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to
temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts,
he told them theyd each get something chosen especially for you!
His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly
desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with
manure.

On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the
optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled
with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to
his father with a sad face and said: How can I possibly use all these?
The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other
toys will be broken! After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the
father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure
with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to
which the boy exclaimed With this much manure, there must be a pony in
here somewhere!

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctors office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, Doc, what can I do?

The doctor says, I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, Will that cure me, Doc?

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?

Luigi said, Everthing was a perfect except for da train a ride down.

Whata you mean, Luigi? asked Giovanni.

Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, No eat in desea car. Musta usea dining car.

So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to opena bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag hisa finger and say, No drinka in desea car. Musta usea cluba car.

So we go to cluba car. Whilea drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductor, he waga his finger again and say, No smokea in desea car. Musta go to smoker car.

We go to smoker car and I smokea my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to havea sex and the conductor, he comea through car yelling, NO-FOLKA, VIRGINIA!

Nexta time, Ima driva down!!

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?

GOD replied, Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.

So Adam says, When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?

I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.

Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?

I did that Adam so that you could love her.

Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?

Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new

national anthem for the United States, Yank my Dandy Doodle!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You get to park in the handicap zone.