Old and New Jokes

Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with Once upon a time?

They dont always, little one … Your dad begins his with:

… I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened …!

– Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

– 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

– Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

– 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

– 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

– 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*

– 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

– 29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.

– 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

– 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)

– 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

– 82% believe in an afterlife.

– 45% believe in ghosts.

– 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

– 29% are virgins when they marry.

– 58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.

– 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

– Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

– 35% give to charity at least once a month.

– How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

– 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

– When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

– Snickers is the most popular candy.

– 22% of us skip lunch daily.

– 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

– 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

– Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

– 45% use mouthwash every day.

– 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

– The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

– Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

– 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

– 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

– 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

– 33% of women lie about their weight.

– 10% claim to have seen a ghost.

– 57% have had deja vu.

– 49% believe in ESP.

– 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

– 44% have broken a bone.

– 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

– 15% regularly go to a shrink.

– 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

– 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. Whats up?

– 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

– 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

– 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!

– 39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host… whoops, uh.. just looking for the uh…

– 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).

– 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

– 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, My son aint illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!]

– Less than 10% are trilingual.

– 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

– 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

– 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

– 2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night… : )

– 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

– 40% of us have had music lessons.

– 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

– 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

– 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics dont lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just

have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)

– 59% of us say were average-looking.

– Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

– 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

– 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

– 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

– 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

– On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

– 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

– 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

– The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

– Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.

– 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

– 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]

– 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

– 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]

– 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

– 1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.

– 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

– 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

– 25% drive after theyve been drinking.

– 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

– 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.

– 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs

Manolo y Venancio entran al cine a ver Apolo 13. En el momento crucial, el actor principal dice:

Houston, tenemos un problema…

Y Venancio le murmura a Manolo:

¡Cómo no van a tener un problema si viene piloteando Forrest Gump!

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. Shes gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams A-colon backslash enter insert!
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guys behind

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you dont know what hes talking about.

Why does an [ethnicss] left arm pit smell so damm bad?

They cant find Left Guard at the store.

Dear Mom and Dad,


Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the Mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasnt for the lightning.


Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?


The wet wood didnt burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.


We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down, thats probably why he cant get insurance. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.


Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.


This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldnt let me because I cant swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.


Scoutmaster Walt isnt crabby like some scoutmasters. He didnt even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.


Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. Im so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?


I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.


Dont worry about anything. We are fine.


Danny

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture
and asks the man what he sees.

A man and a woman making love in a park, the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he
sees.

A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the
end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, It
looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies, Well, youre the one with the dirty pictures.

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother How old are you? Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks, Mommy, how much do you weigh? Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce? Mommy says, Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation. The girlfriend says, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old. Her mommy is very shocked! She asks Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says, I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds. The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, Where did you learn that?

The little girl says, I just know, thats all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
"Keep the goddamn egg."