Old and New Jokes

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to punch you.

The Scotsman said, Keep the lousy egg.

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Una tortuguita trepaba todos las días hasta lo más alto de un árbol elevadísimo y luego se tiraba del mismo, una y otra vez, hasta que un día, una pareja de pájaros se mira y dice:

¿Che, vieja, no te parece que le digamos al nene que es adoptado?

Whats the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?



A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.



The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.



The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.



The fourth night Frank didnt drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. What can I do? he pleaded.



Not much answered the doctor. Theres just a nasty bug going around.

Crime wouldnt pay if the government ran it.

A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, Sorry sir, we dont
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. Youll have to
bring your elephant in. To which the poor man replied, I am wanting to
know isnt it. What is this reason that you do not serve me? The shop
assistant replied, Because you might eat the pet food yourself.

The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. Two bales of hay please.

A few days later, the guy is in again. I am wanting isnt it. To buy a
sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes.

Sorry sir, we dont serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself.

Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red arse
and demands, I am wanting a sack of nuts isnt it!

A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw meat
for his tiger. The same response, Sorry sir, we dont serve…

Next day hes in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day he
walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small hole
in the top.

Please be putting your finger into this little hole.

Im not going to do that! the shop assistant responds.

Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into the
hole in this little box.

No! Ive no idea what is in there!

Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very important
to me that you put your finger into this hole.

Oh, all right

She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at
the brown muck and says…

Shit!

Two toilet rolls please!

You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!

You might be a redneck if…
You gene pool doesnt have a "deep end."

While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
to hunt. The old farmer said, Sure you can hunt, but would you
do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
and sick with cancer, but I dont have the heart to kill her. Would
you do it for me? The hunter said, Sure, and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
farmer had said OK, he said, No, we cant hunt here, but Im going
to teach that old cuss a lesson. With that, he rolled down his
window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
There, that will teach him! a second shot rang out from the
passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, I got
the cow!

Copied from the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry
Ahlman, Ahlmans, Rt. 1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052.

[Ed: And reportedly from Micky Mantles Autobiography. Billy Martin shoots
the cow.]