On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, But where is your husband?
Jim? the haggard woman said. Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, theres the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and dont panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean.
Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything Im going to say, repeat after me: Our Father Who is in Heaven …
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the
bottom of the pool!
A few days ago, we were trying to explain to a MS-DOS user
how the VI editor works. Heres what we come up with:
Vi is an editor with two distinguished modes:
In Edit mode you have all the capabilities of grandmas
typewriter right under your finger tips! You can make the
very same mistakes as you did with grannys typewriter
(and your possibilities to correct them are about the same).
Thats why Vi was provided with a second mode, namely the
_Beep_ mode. On a vt100 terminal or compatible you can
get into Beep mode by pressing an arrow or escape function
key. In this powerful Beep mode even the more innocuous
keystroke will promptly produce a Beep sound. As an example,
arrows, return, blank spaces and most capital letters will
produce beeps in the most arbitrary places of the screen.
Just think about the whole world of possibilities that
this mode gives to you:
–Compose a monotonic symphony or rap while editing your
thesis!
–Send messages in Morse code to the secretary next door!
–Keep yourself awake with the clear sound of the Beep tone!
The variations are endless.
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said Kramer, your grandmother died.
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylors grandfather had passsed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!
Si se te acaban las frases para saludar, aquà hay varias:
¿Qué ondita con el pandita?
¿Qué Pachuca por Toluca?
¿Qué Pachuca por Acámbaro?
¿Qué hongo champiñón?
¿Qué epazotes con los elotes?
¿Qué rollo, Goyo?
¿Qué Honduras mi Nicaragua?
¿Qué Pedro, Pablo?
¿Qué pez, marqués?
¿Qué transita por tu avenida?
¿Qué transita por tus venas?
¿Cómo has Estados Unidos?
¿Cómo estanques?
¿Qué pasotes con esos zapatotes?
¿Qué trampa, cazador?
¿Te conozco, Orozco?
¿Qué ondón, Ramón?
¿Cómo estanques mi pescado?
¿Qué transa?
¿Qué pex, marqués?
¿Qué pez, Aquaman?
¿Qué transa, Carranza?
Frases más estructuradas; estas aplÃcalas cuando quieras echarle más calabaza a tus legumbres.
1) ¿Qué Honduras con las verduras que andan bajas las temperaturas? ¡Yo pensé que ya estabas morongas, pero nopales estás bien vivorobas!
2) ¿Qué ondita con el pandita que se tragó una viborita?
3) ¿Qué hongo, jorongo, tepetongo, morongo?
A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.
They each brought one item for survival.
The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, Why? The red-head
replied, To prevent us from dying of thirst.
The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, Why? The brunette
replied, To prevent us from dying of hunger.
The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked,
Why? The blonde replied, To roll down the window if it gets hot.
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me …
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter … Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me …
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didnt. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3 curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me …
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me …
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boys blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You havent seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me …
I forget what, she ate it so quickly. I do remember all the clean up afterwards though. Yuck!
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me …
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesnt have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me …
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldnt get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me …
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computers delete key. Cost for call to Computer Countrys 900/help line: $17.50. And I still dont know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me …
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldnt be such a disaster if she hadnt previously stolen the power knob. I missed a weeks worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, Its a Wonderful Life. Rental of Its a Wonderful Life: $2; purchase of book, Good owners, great cats: $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me …
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece? Cost: Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas …
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes!
What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear?
Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I wonder if its mine?
How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a package of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.
Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldnt learn the route.
Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal was stuck.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.
Womans Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner with.
Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.