Una mujer de 25 años le cuenta a una amiga sobre su matrimonio con un señor de 65.
Es tan caballero: me trae flores todos los dÃas, me regala bombones, me lleva de paseo, fuimos de vacaciones a Hawai, me compra ropa todas las semanas, cine, teatro, cenas en los mejores restaurantes, joyas, etc.
¿Y en la cama?, pregunta la amiga.
En la cama hacemos el tratamiento.
¿Cuál tratamiento?
Él trata y yo miento.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haydn!
Haydn who?
Haydn in this cupboard is boring!
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the Vacant sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Why arent [ethnic] people blonde?
How dumb do you want them to be?
Copied from Ann Landers Column:
Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, Jerry. It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, Divorce – never. But murder? Yes.
She continued, Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night – a common occurrence. I didnt want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up.
I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didnt see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, I wonder what Ann Landers would say. I told her I would write and ask. So, dear Ann, how about it? – Louisville, Ky.
Dear Louisville: Please make sure your neighbor sees this column. I just read about a contraption equipped with intelligent sensors that can tell if the seat is up or down. It sells at hardware stores for $29.99. It is actually a night light that attaches to the bowl and glows red if the seat is up and green if the seat is down.
The people who are marketing this unique item say it is very popular. I have not seen one, but for some married couples, it might be worth the investment.
Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advise columnist.
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, Its idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!
Always take the time to smell the roses… and sooner or later youll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek… nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
Its always darkest just before dawn…so if youre gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown… and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it cant be blamed on someone else.
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When Im feeling down I like to whistle… it makes my neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
The author of this poem is unknown to me. I remember during my elementary school days being read this poem by a teacher who preferred the Biblical story of creation. This poem is an interesting example of the use of humor to persuade.
The monkeys viewpoint
Three monkeys sat is a cocoanut tree
Discussing things as theyre said to be.
Said one to the others, Now listen, you two,
Theres a certain rumor that cant be true,
That man descends from our noble race –
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life;
And youve never knwon a mother monk
To leave her abies with others to bunk,
Or to pass them on from one to another
Til they scarcely know who is their mother.
And another thing youll never see –
A monk build a fence round a cocoanut tree
And let the cocanuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks to taste.
Wy, if I put a fence around this tree,
Starvation would froce you to steal from me.
Heres another thing a monk wont do –
Go out at night and get on a stew,
Or use a gun to rlub or knife
To take some other monkeys life;
Yes, man descended – the ornery cusss –
But, brother, he didnt descend from us!
There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down. He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule. The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say “Thank the Lord!” to make it go and “Amen!” to make it stop. So the man said, “Thank the lord, thank the lord and thank the lord!” and the mule took off! He was comming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop. Finally, at the very edge he remembered, “Amen!” Tee guy was so releved he shouted, “Thank the lord!”
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused
by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the greenhouse effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and
the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently
California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution,
or use of this damaging chemical due to its importance to the economic
health of this nation. In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare
situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it
through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many
store large quantities for later use.
Its Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you dont know can hurt you and others
throughout the world.