Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you get 100 jews in a bus?
A: Throw a quarter into the bus.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tell them Hitlers driving.

You might be a redneck if…
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

What goes a hundred miles an hour around the desert?

An Ethiopian with a free voucher at McDonalds.

41. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chickens day off.

42. Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

43. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

44. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

45. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino.

46. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

47. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they dont sink in the sand.

48. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

49. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?

A. Theyre both blue, except for the elephant.

50. Q: Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?

A: To fit on lily pads.

51. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow natives.

52. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

53. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

54. Q. Why do elephants have four feet?

A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

55. Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Because sheep dont have strings.

56. Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

57. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

58. Q: What is an elephants sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

59. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatoligist.

60. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

61. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: Can I be on top this time?

62. Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

63. Q: What is the height of ambition?

A: An ant climbing an elephants leg with the intention of rape.

64. Q: Whats grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

65. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

66. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?

A: About 40 lbs.

67. Q: How do you equalize the two?

A: Feed the elephant.

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, Ill choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

A man takes his prize winning cat to the Vet. It had not been feeling well for the last few days.

The Vet takes the cat and sets in on the table and proceeds to look at it from the front, the side, the back, then the other side.

He gets a needle and medicine, administers an injection and tells t the man that everything should be fine, and he could pay at the front desk. At the front desk he gets a bill for $300.

$300!!!! What kind of medicine did he give?!

The secretary looks at the bill and says, The medicine only cost $50 … $250 was for the catscan.

The patient asks for the good news first and then the bad news.

So the doctor starts off and says, It is mostly certain that you are going to die in about 7 or 8 days.

After hearing this the patient couldnt imagine what the bad news would be.

The doctor continued: … and I have been trying to reach you on the phone to tell you, for a week now.

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says hes sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The horse rancher asks How will I recognize him?

Thats easy, hes a midget with a speech impediment.

The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if hes looking for a male or female horse.

A female horth.

He shows him a prized filly.

Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horses eyes the once over.

Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?

He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horses ears.

Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?

The rancher is gettin pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horses mouth.

Nice mouf, can I see her twat?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midgets head as far as he can up the horses twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

WHY DOES IT MATTER? ITS JUST GONNA BURN OUT AGAIN, ANYWAY.