Old and New Jokes

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnnys hand shot up.

Miss! Miss! called Johnny.

Write it down, Johnny! said the teacher.

… But Miss! Miss! Miss! Johnny intoned.

I said write it down! exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

Miss! Miss! called Johnny once more.

Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

No! said the startled teacher.

Then I have definitely shit myself!

One pie turns to the other and says Hot enough for ya? The other pies turns and says, Holy sh*t! A talking pie!

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, Tonight Im the designated decoy..

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six–one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.



The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.



By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.



Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.



Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.



No, says the tourist, but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!

During an Army war game a commanding officers jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

Sorry sir, said one of the loafers, but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldnt contribute in any way.



The C.O. turned to his driver and said, Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandys.



One questions the other two, listen, its our wedding night and I was wondering – how many times are we expected to…um…you know…. do it The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual 2 pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.



Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, Hold on lads, we cant discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.



No youre right. What well do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, thatll be the amount times we did it offers another groom. They all decide its an excellent idea and depart.



The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but thats nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, Hello, Ill have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.



The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.



The waitress gets to the last groom I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have… he takes a deep breath SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST he calls for everyones benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.



Seven pieces of toast sir? queries the waitress. Why, thats an awful lot



Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is. She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again



And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

Has it occurred to anyone yet that the reason we havent gotten any
replies from Out There may be the same as the reason we dont often
bother flaming AOLers?

Oh, _goody_, Yendor—heres another one. Lets see, it says
[*** –> MAKE FRIENDS FAST !!! <– ***] on the front panel; how
_original_. Two nudes on the plaque, scanned in at low res.
What do you want to bet they didnt get permission from the
copyright holder? Hmm…address in pulsar distances, but they
mangled the Reply-To: line; I dont think Sol III is a fully
qualified domain at all. You would think all these spammers
out in Sirius sector would know about the anonymous reposter
at Fomalhaut by now, anyway….

Well, do we forward it to their sysop?

Whats the point? Look at the header; its some dinky yellow
G2 dwarf. The sector is lousy with them—if we have Her shut
it down, theyll find another star before She even has time to
clean out the logfiles and reboot.

But look at this bandwidth-hogging crap—this audio disk must
have a couple of hundred incompatible languages on it. I dont
think this one is even the same _species_; it sounds more like a
whale to me.

Well, if theyve got whales on-site, maybe theyll ask some
questions and eventually get a clue. In the meantime, I cant
be bothered; Ive got a whole globular cluster to upgrade to
4.0.2 this eon. Besides, in the long run it only encourages
them. The sort of pathetic race who starts these chain
letters craves any kind of attention at all.

[This one is original to me; Yendor and Zontak will be way pissed
if anyone forwards it along without my name….]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, Im a programmer. I dont have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now thats cool.”