Old and New Jokes

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

You know youre drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other peoples fingernails. Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend. You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named Joe. You dont need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. You dont sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Youve worn the finish off your coffee table. The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while its running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You dont tan, you roast. You cant even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

I dont know why you are bothering. Youre not going to have time to finish this, the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

Two hours passed and the professor told everyone to pass in his/her test. The late student is still furiously scribbling and eventually turns in his paper at the end of class.

The professor says, Sorry, I cant take your paper.

The student asks, Why not

The professor answers, Because it is late.

The student asks angrily, Do you know who I am?

The professor looks at the student and shakes his head.

The student yells, Do you know who I AM?

The professor responds, No.

So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and nonchalantly walks off.

I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators.

Consider:

Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff hes got, he says, Elves make it for me.
Santa doesnt care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Theirpersonalities.

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a joung housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.

Jeez, says the mailman, this is great, but whats with the two dollars?

Well she replies,since youre retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, Fuck him – give him a couple of bucks! Breakfast was my idea.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.


It opens at noon, answers the clerk.


About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.


What time does the bar open? he asks.


Same time as before… Noon, replies the clerk.


Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?


The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can have room service send something up to you.


No… I dont wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

Dont hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.