Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say Wow, is it Halloween already?

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool! And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!

Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys a seven!

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, What are you doing?!! The blind man replies, Just looking around.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, Dont worry. Its not what you think. If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

How do you stop a black gang from beating you up?

– Throw them a basketball.

Im not as dumb as you look.

A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

Thats wonderful, the artist exclaimed. Whats the bad news?

The guy was your doctor …

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.