Old and New Jokes

Id never make jokes about the London Underground – thats beneath me.

Your horse wears shoes, but you dont.

It doesnt bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyers first question was,
Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed
under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but
Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the
County bury her!

An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks What are you looking at?

The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husbands testicles. The English woman exclaims, THEY ARE THAT BIG?

The redneck woman says, No, they are that dirty!

Diferentes tipos de hombre según las mujeres:

Tipo café: Los mejores son ricos, calientes, con cuerpo y te mantienen despierta toda la noche.

Tipo cemento: Después de esparcidos tardan un buen rato en ponerse duros.

Tipo chocolate: Dulces, suaves y generalmente se van directo a tus caderas.

Tipo batidora: Crees necesitar uno pero no sabes realmente para qué.

Tipo hielera: Llénalos de cerveza y te los podrás llevar a donde tú quieras.

Tipo fotocopiadora: Solo sirven para reproducir.

Tipo rizador de pelo: Siempre están calientes y enredados en tu cabello.

Tipo zapato de tacón: Una vez que le has tomado la medida, son fáciles de pisar.

Tipo horóscopo: Siempre te dicen qué debes hacer y generalmente están equivocados.

Tipo rímel: Corren a la primer lágrima.

Tipo minifalda: Si no tienes cuidado se te suben por las piernas.

Tipo cajón para estacionarse: Los buenos ya están ocupados y los que quedan son para minusválidos o son demasiado pequeños.

Tipo clima: Nada se puede hacer para cambiarlo.

Tipo rosetas de maíz (palomitas, cotufas, popcorn, etc.): Te satisfacen pero sólo por un ratito.

Tipo tormenta de nieve: Nunca sabes cuándo se viene; cuántos centímetros tendrá y cuánto puede durar.

Están tres coños (chochos, conchas, etc.) en la playa.

¡Qué pelo más bonito tienes! ¿Qué te echas?

Me lo lavo con Pantene Pro V con provitaminas A, B, C, D, E. Tú también lo tienes precioso ¡Qué sedoso! ¿Qué te pones?

Uso una mascarilla HiperSuperMega hidratante, Wella Balsam.

Y, por fin, le dicen al tercero:

Y tú, ¡qué pelo más asqueroso y guarro que tienes! ¿No te pones nada?

Sí, me pongo colirio.

¿Colirio?, preguntan asombrados los dos chochetes.

¡Sí, porque hace más de un año que no veo un pijo!

Dont worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they dont use it anyway.

What was the last gift Bill gave to Monica?

Spot remover.

there are two blonds in a car and one in a row boat in the middle of a wheat feild trying to row. the two blonds pass bye and one sayes its blonds like that that give us bad names. and the other one said ya if i could swim i would get out there and kick her ass.

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said, I know, I married the wrong man.