Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, threes a crowd!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.



We cant see each other anymore…. she sobbed.



Why? gasped Declan.



Daddy says crabs are too common, she wailed. He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.



Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers side, inconsolable.



Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!



Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..







Fuck, Im pissed.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that theyre for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandmans teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandmans teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

[Ed: From around the time of the MS Windows Delays ]

Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules?

To improve their credibility.