Old and New Jokes

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

What for? he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, Twenty dollars contempt of court. Thats why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.

The young man replied, Im just seeing if I have enough for two more words.

[heard on a local radio station today]

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket today…

WOMAN GETS PREGNANT WHILE DOING LAMBADA

I guess that goes to show that the rhythm method just doesnt work!!

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, Nice bike youve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid said, Yeah.

The cop said, Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humouring the kid, the cop said, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid said, Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?

A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT

Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!

Una tía que ha estado casada tres veces, se casa por cuarta vez. Al llegar la noche de bodas le dice a su nuevo marido que es virgen.

¿Pero qué dices? ¡Si has estado casada tres veces!

Ya, pero es que verás: mi primer marido era marica y se casó conmigo por aquello de las apariencias. El segundo era un militar y tenía una herida de guerra precisamente ahí. Y el tercero era un demócrata.

¿Y eso, qué tiene que ver?

Que cuando nos metíamos en la cama, en vez de hacer algo se ponía a contarme lo bien que iba a resultar todo.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?



A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didnt know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: License, registration and proof of insurance please.

Driver: Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.

Policeman: Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!

Driver: Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the mans head and shoulders.

Policeman: Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if theyve left early, put them in Sales.