Old and New Jokes

Q: How is Clintons health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

An Israeli womans fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.

The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a,toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die.



Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette.



When,he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, seriously burning his sensitive parts, the Post wrote.



When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified mans pelvis and ribs.

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, Whats your pleasure?

The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, White.

The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, Excuse me, I dont mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I cant help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied, Im sorry to say, but thats the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.

Its no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bills astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a career crisis is in the stars, and predicts a slight possibility of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection…

Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was frustrated that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels grabbed them and went to a health center to have them reattached…

On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court documents, the companys revenues have plummeted to $25 million a year… appparently they didnt see this coming…

In other news…

Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Albertos voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Albertos accomplice called him by his nickname A.J. Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop… you have the right to remain stupid…

From Bizarre News – www.bizarrenews.com

One day a father went to his three sons and told them that he would die soon and he needed to decide which one of them to give his property to. He decided to give them all a test. He said Go to the market my sons and purchase something that is large enough to fill my bedroom, but small enough to fit in your pocket.From this I will decide who of you is the wisest and worthy enough to inherit my land. So they all went to the market and bought something that they thought would fill the room, yet was still small enough that they could fit into their pockets. Each son came back with a different item. The father told his sons to come into his bedroom one at a time and try to fill up his bedroom with whatever they had purchased. The first son came in and put some peices of cloth that he had bought and layed them end to end across the room, but it bearly covered any of the floor. Then the second son came in and layed some hay, that he had purchased, on the floor but there was only enough to cover half of the floor. The third son came in and showed his father what he had purchased and how it could fill the entire room yet still fit into his pocket. The father replied You are truly the wisest of all and you shall recieve my property. What was it that the son had showed to his father?





Answer: The son had showed his father a match. Whenever he lit the match, it filled the entire room, yet it was still small enough to fit into his pocket.

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint obitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:

Second man: Is that your dog outside?

First man: Aye. What of it?

Second man: Well, I think my dog maya killed im.

First man, stunned: What kinda dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, es a Chihuahua.

First man: Ha! ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, I think the wee thing maya gotten stuck in is throat.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, Whatll you have?

The man says, Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one.

The man says, You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died.

The man said, Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.

Está Adán en el paraiso solo y aburrido, busca a Dios y le pide una compañera. Dios le responde que no hay problema pero que le va a costar un ojo, una pierna, un pulmón, las dos manos y un testículo. Adán se queda pensativo y le contesta:

¿Y por una costilla que me darías?

Un hombre entra en un bar y pide un whisky, minutos después de haber tomado otro. El camarero observa que el hombre al mismo tiempo que bebe introduce su mano en el bolsillo y saca algo, lo observa y acto seguido lo vuelve a guardar. Cuando ya no pude aguantar la curiosidad, se acerca al hombre y le pregunta:

¿Podría decirme que es lo que saca del bolsillo y contempla con tanta insistencia?

Sí, es la foto de mi suegra, cuando la empiezo a encontrar agradable es que es hora de dejar de beber.