A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until hes topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he cant escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, Its been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, Ill let you go.
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husbands estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents – a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it.
Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma – whether or not to tell his partner.
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
Top 10 Reasons For Being Canadian
It beats being an American.
You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.
You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
Liberal is not a dirty word.
The CBC
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
If you are BORING!!
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhhhhhh… its cute.
Why dont we just cuddle?
You know… they have surgery to fix that!
Make it dance for me.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
Its OK, well work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no… a flash headache.
(Giggle and point.)
Can I be honest with you?
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this wont take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first, then maybe…
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Maam, Im not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Thats cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
Im not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!