Old and New Jokes

Give a man a fish, and youll feed him for a day;

Give him a religion, and hell starve to death, while praying for a fish.

Office work dull?…

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?…

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

ONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one othernon-player must be in the bathroom at the time) When theyre not looking, pour most of someones fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good! Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way Walk sideways to the photcopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask Did you get All that, I dont want to have to repeat it Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, the reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up! At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again. In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: See how I look in tights Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask You wanna trade? Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I can talk about it Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please God, he implored, let it be blood!

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, just in case.

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW.

Harry asked if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW.

So if she didnt like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW said Tom, well what did you get your wife?

Harry replies well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo.

Tom laughs and askes why did you get her a dildo?

Well so if she didnt like the flip flops she could go screw herself

Two sailors and a nun are stranded on a desert island.After spending one one month on the island with the sailors the nun is so disgusted with their behaviour she commits suicide, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they bury her, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they dig her back up again.

Now I sit me down in school



Where praying is against the rule.



For this great nation under God



Finds mention of Him very odd.



If Scripture now the class recites,



It violates the Bill of Rights.



And anytime my head I bow



Becomes a federal matter now.



Our hair can be purple or orange or green,



Thats no offense, its the freedom scene.



The law is specific, the law is precise,



Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.



For praying in a public hall



Might offend someone with no faith at all.



In silence alone we must meditate,



Gods name is prohibited by the State.



Were allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,



And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.



Theyve outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.



To quote the Good Book makes me liable.



We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,



And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.



Its inappropriate to teach right from wrong,



Were taught that such judgments do not belong.



We can get our condoms, & birth controls,



Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.



But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,



No Word of God must reach this crowd.



Its scary here I must confess,



When chaos reigns, the schools a mess.



So, Lord, this silent plea I make:



Should I be shot, My soul please take.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to
myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

Necessity is a mother.

Bob walks into a bar and says, Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!

The bartender says, Well, seems youre in a really good mood tonight, hmm?

Bob says, Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Bob comes back into the bar and says, Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!

The bartender says, Well now! If youre so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy youll be when you get your paycheck!!

Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, You mean theyll PAY me too?!