She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest of it.1. As you shall make your bed so shall you … mess it up.
2. Better be safe than … punch a 5th grader.
3. Strike while the … bug is close.
4. Its always darkest before … daylight savings time.
5. You can lead a horse to water but … how?
6. Dont bite the hand that … looks dirty.
7. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
8. You cant teach an old dog new … math.
9. If you lie down with the dogs, youll … stink in the morning.
10. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
11. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
l2. Where theres smoke, theres … pollution.
13. Happy the bride who … gets all the presents.
14. A penny saved is … not much.
15. Twos company, threes … the musketeers.
16. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.
17. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
18. When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way.
I got this joke from a roommate of mine, Keith Brown.
He acquired it when he went back to his hometown to
substitute teach at his high school. Sitting in the
teachers lounge, they were telling jokes and the
principal told this one…
One day, an elderly woman went in to the main Citibank office
in downtown New York City and asked the window teller if she
could speak to the president of the bank. Upon being questioned
as to why she needed to see him, the elderly woman said that
she wished to deposit seven million dollars.
The teller then rushed back to the president and said that
there was a woman who wished to deposit seven million dollars
and that she wished to see the president. Naturally, the
president excitedly said, Well, send her right in!
After the elderly woman and the president had talked for some
time about security and insurance and whatnot, she started to
fill out some papers. By this time the president had become
very curious as to how this plain-looking elderly woman had
come across seven million dollars in cash. Not wanting to
be too blunt, he asked her, Well, did you inherit the money?
She said, No, and kept on writing.
He then asked, Well, did you find the money?
She again said, No, and kept on writing.
Frustrated, he then asked, Well, how did you acquire the money?
She responded, I won it.
Still bewildered, he asked, Did you win it in a lottery?
She again said, No, and kept on writing.
Still curious, he asked, Did you win it on a slot machine?
Once, again, she said, No, and kept on writing.
Finally, the President asked, Well, how did you win it?
At long last, she replied, I won it by betting on people.
Confused, the president wondered, I dont understand?
The elderly woman then said, Well, let me give you an example:
I bet you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 10:00 your nuts
will be square.
The president pondered the bet for a moment and then said,
OK, Ill take the bet.
The old woman, not carrying the $7 million with her, said
that she would return the following morning to deposit the
money and settle the bet.
Not being extremely wealthy, the president took the rest of
the day off to think about how he would spend the money.
As well, he would occasionally feel his balls to make sure
that they were, indeed, round. After checking them about
100 times that day, he decided to check one more time before
he nodded off to sleep. Content, he went to sleep with a
huge grin on his face, still not knowing how he would spend
the money.
Upon waking up, the president quickly grabbed his nuts only
to find that they were still round. Relieved, he went to
work a little early, all the time pondering the spending
of his wealth-to-be.
Promptly at 10:00, the elderly woman walked in with two men.
As they entered the room, one of the men silently stood
against the wall. The other was obviously a lawyer, as he
had a briefcase and looked very official. Quickly, the
president made one more self-exam in which he found that they
were still round.
As the elderly woman approached the desk with the lawyer, she
queried, Well, how did it go?
The president replied confidently, It went fine.
The woman responded matter-of-factly, Well, if it wasnt
$25,000, Id take your word for it, but, seeing as it is
a considerable sum of money, Ill have to verify for myself.
Blushing, the president stood up and dropped both his pants
and underpants to his knees. The elderly woman reached across
the table and felt his nuts, saying, Well, I guess you won.
At that precise moment, the man standing against the wall
started banging his head against the wall, quite violently.
The president, surprised, asked, Whats the matter with him?
The elderly woman responded, I bet him $150,000 that by this
morning, Id have the president of Citibanks nuts in my hand.
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he hasnt had any
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as
Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror he grabs the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horses neck, but he slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse
and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as his head is
struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered
against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his
great fortune The Sainsburys security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs
the horse.
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Because they dont have penises to put them in.
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission wont go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctors office. We have come for an examination, said the young girl.
Alright, said the doctor. Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.
No, not me, said the girl. its my old aunt here.
Very well, said the doctor. Madam, stick out your tongue.
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
In Manhatan a midget got onto the elevator.
A few floors down a huge black man got in, and said Do you know that my
body weighs 300 pounds, in fact each one of my balls weighs 25 pounds, my
dick is 35 inches long and my name is Turner Brown.
The midget fainted dead away
After being revived by the paramedics the midget asked the
black man to repeat his last few words.
The black man replied I said my name is Turner Brown.
Thank God! said the midget, I thought you said turn around.