Old and New Jokes

A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?

He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

Again he declines. No, thanks. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? Thatll only take a couple of minutes.

Once more, he declines. Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? Im STARVING!

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up, Girl, if thats all you want, get a TV!

An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for
several years. He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it
was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the dam, as he hadnt been there for a while, and look it
over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of
the dam. One of the women shouted to him, Were not coming
out until you leave! The old man frowned and grumbled, I
didnt come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the dam naked. Holding the bucket up he
yelled, Im here to feed the crocodiles. Never forget, old age and treachery will overcome youth and
skill every time.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howell!
Howell who!
Howell you have your pizza, plain or with extra ham?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven seen you in ages!

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn

there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,

this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.

Iba un tipo caminando por el malecón de La Habana, y él tenía una pierna postiza, un ojo postizo, un brazo postizo y la nariz postiza.

El tipo, cansado ya de todas esas cosas postizas, se para frente a la playa y dice, Ya yo estoy cansado de todo esto, se quita la pierna y la tira al agua, se quita la nariz y la tira al agua, se quita el brazo y lo tira al agua, se quita el ojo y lo tira al agua.

En eso un borracho que lo está viendo salta y dice: ¡Cooññoooo! ¡Tú sí eres inteligente eehh! ¡Te estas yendo pa Miami poco a poco!