Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so old she farts dust.

No said Abe to Golda, I dont hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine

Una vez, un estadounidense, un español y un indígena viajaban en un pequeño avión. De pronto, el piloto les señala la necesidad de arrojar algo para descargar peso, pues la nave tenía problemas. Para estar parejos, los tres individuos decidieron arrojarse.

El gringo se tira diciendo:

¡Por mi patria!

El español se lanza gritando:

¡Por mi bandera!

Entonces, cuando el indio se iba a tirar se le resbala el guarache y se cae del avión vociferando:

¡Por mi guarache!

Un día, la boa estaba que se moría de hambre y fue a pedir trabajo a un burdel. La leona, que era la madrota, se burla de la boa diciendo que estaba muy maltratada en comparación con sus putitas como la loba, la pantera, la avestruz, etc. Fue tanto el rogar de la boa que la leona le dio trabajo, y le dijo que se enredara en un árbol para ver si caía algún desesperado.

Pasada la media noche, llegó el conejo diciéndole a la leona que quería echar pata. La leona le aclaró que todas estaban ocupadas pero que tenía una nueva, que la probara y que luego le dijera que tal había estado.

El conejo se fue corriendo a buscar a la boa. Cuando la boa lo ve venir, de un solo bocado se lo traga, ya que estaba famélica. Entonces, se queda pensando un rato y decide escupirlo ya que si se lo tragaba, la leona la iba a matar.

Sale el conejo todo lleno de saliva dando vueltas. Cuando logra levantarse, todavía sacado de onda, exclama:

¡Si así estuvo la mamada, cómo estará la cogida!

John Kerry went duck hunting and hes doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts. –David Letterman

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didnt bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg. –Jay Leno

Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president? –Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, Late Show With David Letterman

Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that hes a flip-flopper. Kerry said, I have one position on Iraq: Im forgainst it. –Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Lives Weekend Update

John Kerry says the W in George W. Bush stands for Wrong. But he still cant explain what John Kerry stands for. —David Letterman

The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldnt it be in Fortune or Money magazine? –Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry lacks deeply held convictions. Today Kerry shot back, he said, Thats not completely true. —Jay Leno

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since youre not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president. —David Letterman

There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, I do. —Craig Kilborn

John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, hes ahead in the polls. Hows that make him feel? Disappears for a week and hes up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding. —Jay Leno

Shrek 2 made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. —Conan OBrien

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke. —Jay Leno

This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, Im John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one. —Craig Kilborn

John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a charisma black hole. —Jay Leno

Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, How am I gonna beat this guy? —David Letterman

Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks hes the dad from The Munsters. —Jay Leno

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican. —David Letterman

John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them. —Jay Leno

They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, thats nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: I do. —Jay Leno

Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward. —Jay Leno

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a mens club, Bachelors Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

One day an Indian, English, and Polish guy all wanted to get blow jobs.
So they decided to go to a place where they could get what they wanted.
When they got in they saw that there were three levels: gold, silver and
bronze.

So the English guy said, I think I will take the bronze level. The other
two guys sat there for about two minutes when the English guy came out.

He said that was the best blow job he had ever had. The Indian asked him
what she did that was so special.

He said she put ice cream on my dick and licked it all off.

Then the Indian said I think I will take the silver level. Three minutes
later the Indian come out and said that was the best blow job Ive ever
had.

The other two guys asked what she did. He said she put ice cream, hot
fudge and caramel on my dick and licked it all off.

The Polish guy was amazed at what she did to the Indian so he decided to
take the gold room.

Five minutes later he came out saying, That was the best blow job Ive
ever had.

There was a pause, then the English guy asked the Polish guy what she did.

He said she put, ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and a cherry
on my dick.

There was another pause, Then what? Then what? shouts the English guy.

Well, said the Polish guy it looked so good I ate it myself.

Things not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three
most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Our psychiatrist
claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and
wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.)

We bring you this list of Things Not To Say When
Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Youve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. Youre supposed
to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…

Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?
Tie them in knot?

Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. Im going to fry that sucker.

If youre not going to do it right, dont do it at all. Dont just throw
them on, like you do the icicles. Youre worse than your father.

Give me that!

Youve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee
thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.

I dont care if you have found another two strings, Im done!

Youve just wound em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldnt
look like a spiral this year?

Have you been drinking?

Wheres the cat?

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some
old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.