Old and New Jokes

Surveytakers asked a sizable sampling of recent MBA graduates to name the person they most admired.

The candidate who came in first was Father.

Second were Mother and Bill Gates, tied.

San Francisco Chronicle 7/21/96

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering.

Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.

My goodness! the woman exclaimed, sounds like leasing a new sports car!

Humm, the doctor murmured, too obvious, huh?

[Ed: Picked this up from rec.arts.movies, where a discussion of subliminal
ads in movies ensues. ]

I would like to thank all of the folks who emailed me about the subliminal
Pepsi ads in Top Gun. As was pointed out more than once, here and in mail,
the advertisements arent really subliminal if you can perceive them conciously.
<drink Pepsi> I know what subliminal means <drink Pepsi> as opposed to
superliminal, or ultraliminal, or megaliminal, or liminal, or whatever the
correct phraseology is. <you love Pepsi> This kind of advertisement, though,
while not totally invisible <drink Pepsi> is still real hard to see… Ive
seen Top Gun a total of six times now, and never noticed the Pepsi tray until
my sixth time, on cable. After running the tape back thru again, I could tell
that the Pepsi <drink drink drink Pepsi> logo was really there–not just a
red-white-and-blue <Pepsi> smear.

Perhaps we need a new phrase for this half-overt advertising <bathe in Pepsi>.
I propose the term mood-advertising, or perhaps musak-vertising … something
which while there, you have to concentrate to perceive <Pepsi sex>. Once we
put a name to this dread disease, we can set about finding a cure.

Gosh, Im thirsty.

David Paulsen …uunet.UU.NET!nuchat!seven

Youve ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you dont know whether theyre talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

When in doubt, mumble.

Yo mama so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God…

A friend of mine redid the recent analogy of Cow Economics:

SOCIALISM – You have two cows. The government nationalizes both cows but still allows you to sell milk.
COMMUNISM – You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.
FASCISM – You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.
NAZISM – You have two cows. The government takes one away and shoots it for having a large nose and dark spots.
TRIBALISM – You have two cows. Your neighbors take both cows and shoot you.
REDISTRIBUTIONISM – You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
WELFAREISM (REDISTRIBUTIONISM REVISITED) – You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else who doesnt know how to milk it.
BUREAUCRACY – You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
LIBERTARIANISM – You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
CAPITALISM – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
REAGANOMICS – You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on. Then, you try to milk the bull and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.
CONSERVATISM – You have two cows. They pray in school every day.
LIBERALISM – You have two cows. You dont worry that they sleep together.
PROTECTIONISM – You have two cows. You cant buy a bull from another country.
PEROTISM – You have two cows. You arent allowed to sell the milk to Mexicans.
HILLARYISM – You have two cows. Everyone should have a cow from the government, even if they dont want a cow.
CLINTONISM – You have two cows. The president cant decide what he wants to do about it.

Here are the final results of the February Macmillan USA Information SuperLibrary(tm) TOP TEN Contest. The list is compiled from vistors to the SuperLibrary at http://www.mcp.com/

Winners to the monthly contest are awarded prizes from the SuperLibrary.

Dont need any commentators to tell me what I just saw on the Web.
Mystery envelope only contains beta version of Windows 95.
Judge Itos laptop is actually running Netscape to pass the time during boring testimony.
No flames from Marcia Clark.
Judge Ito cant suppress URLs.
The WWW release of OJs new book, I want to HTML you.
No pesky station identifier at the lower right of the screen.
My web connection runs slightly faster than O.J.s Bronco.
Dan Rather cant interrupt the Web with a special bulletin.

And the number one reason surfing the Web is more fun than watching the OJ trial:

If you click on Judge Ito, you wont get cited for contempt.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and hed see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlins laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. This is no good, Merlin! the king exclaimed, Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect mlady, the Queen?

Ah, sire, just observe. said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

Merlin, you are a genius! said the grateful monarch, Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal short arm inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.

Sir Galahadhis, exclaimed King Arthur, The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.