(Forwards at the Betty Ford Clinic for Y2K compulsives …)
Press Release: For general release
Date: December 9, 1998
REDMOND, WA (API) – MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
Here about the blonde who got an A.M. radio?
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesnt know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!
Yo Mammas so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line…
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because theyre heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (Will it cook faster if I drive faster?), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the birds body cavity and couldnt get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesnt have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called Turkey Central for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, How do you thaw a fresh turkey? The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys arent frozen and dont need to be thawed.
Dont wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the Be prepared motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff cant. (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, I dont know, its still running around outside.
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isnt Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting tim
Q: What do you call a one legged dog?
A: It dont matter he wont come anyway.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor Professor.
Seniors: Calls the professor Bob.
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if its further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe…
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has own personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Dominos every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to tutor conscientious frosh of opposite sex…
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, said the man. To show you how much we care for you, Im making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.
The son-in-law interrupted, I hate factories. I cant stand the noise.
I see, replied the father-in-law. Well, then youll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.
I hate office work, said the son-on-law. I cant stand being stuck behind a desk all day.
Wait a minute, said the father-in-law. I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you dont like factories and wont work in a office. What am I going to do with you?
Easy, said the young man. Buy me out.