Old and New Jokes

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things cant possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says, Congratulations son, weve been waiting a long time for you!

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments but congratulations for what? I honestly dont remember doing anything really special when I was alive.

Congratulations for what?! exclaims Saint Peter, totally amazed at the mans modesty. Were celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!

The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy but I only lived to be forty.

Thats simply impossible son, says Saint Peter. Weve added up your time sheets.

BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE.

Friend: What are you looking at?

Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Beppo Singh: four asterisks!

So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

Sure, Id love to play, says George, but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me.

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
hed like to play again the following Saturday.

Yeah, sounds great, says George. But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me.

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As theyre
getting ready to leave, George says:

See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me.

Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but youre right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. Whats the story?

Well, George says, Im kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If shes sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if shes sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed.

So what do you do if shes sleeping on her back? Bob asks.

Then Im about ten minutes late, George answers.

Pete Granger

Does sweet tea come in sweet, sweeter and sweetest?

Thank goodness the Fourth of July is over – now retailers can get out their Christmas stuff.

I wonder why my wife suggested I list my telephone number in the Yellow Pages under vegetables.

Id like somebody to ask Disney how they could make a Tarzan movie without a single black person.

Seen on a bumper sticker: Be the Person Your Dog thinks You Are.

Im ready to sue the chocolate manufacturers for making me fat. They didnt tell me on the wrapper that I would get fat.

Both the Psychic Hotline and GED classes are advertised during the Jerry Srping Show. Coincidence?

My son just married a girl he met on the internet. I guess there is such a thing as love at first site.

If you do not know where you gun lock key is, maybe your child has it.

I hate it when I sneeze and my bra comes undone.

Listening to country music is like watching a soap opera. Knock it all you want, but if you ever get started, you cant stop.

Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

If I like it, its mine.
If its in my hand, its mine.
If I can take it from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, its mine.
If I think its mine, its mine.
If I. … Oops! Im sorry, I goofed. Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, Ive been typing in Bill Gates primary business plan.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What men know about women.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

14. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

13. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

LEARN YOUR LESSON

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, Jeez, Id really like to dance with that girl.

The other man replies, Well go ahead and ask her, dont be a chicken shit.

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, Im sorry. Right now Im contemplating on matrimony, and Id rather sit than dance.

So the man humbly returns to his friend So what did she say?

asks the friend.

The drunk responded, She said shes constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.

A woman was sick and tired of her husbands drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.

You dont scare me, the man said, looking her over calmly. I married your sister.