Old and New Jokes

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?

During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.



In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.



He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.



The angry lady demanded, What took you so long?



The unperturbed doctor replied, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or Thats Michael, hes a doctor.

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, And theres the teacher; shes still old, nasty, and wrinkled

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, Its blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim Id come out there and give you whats coming to you!

Stupid mistakes are made by others.

We only make unavoidable errors.

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

Theres a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?
….. comes the reply,
Haan ji ! Hai hi baat badi khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!

(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaughs Environmentalist Wacko Football
Picks.)

The Tree-Huggers Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesnt mean that you cant enjoy it when youre not
out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
mongering crime against the Earth. But when youre watching 22 steroid-
chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
Right.

Our General Principles:

Any animal is better than any human.
Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
crimes against the Earth.
Team names that arent PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

Dolphins are the ultimate.
People who believe in their country are the absolute worst – lower
than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:

1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (dont let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavoxs.
Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
Learn the difference.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didnt know you were a cowboy!