Old and New Jokes

Five. Four road guards to the door, and one to pull off the actual robbery.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Im desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh….I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us were schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, dont you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller?

You glue doorknobs to the walls.

These are headlines for various newspapers in 97 (we will protect the guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):

• Include your children when baking cookies.
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
• Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
• Iraqi head seeks arms.
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
• Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
• British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
• Teacher strikes idle kids.
• Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
• Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
• Miners refuse to work after death.
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
• Stolen painting found by tree.
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
• War dims hope for peace.
• If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while.
• Cold wave linked to temperatures.
• Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
• Red tape holds up new bridges.
• Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead.
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
• New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
• Kids make nutritious snacks.
• Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy.
• Local high school dropouts cut in half.
• New vaccine may contain rabies.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.

Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like hes a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. Oh look, says the second nun, a soap dispenser.

To test her theory she also pulls his dick… and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, Look, hand cream!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.



The Devil said to the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.



All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter.



The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream THATS MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez OReilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that youve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
thing-in-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge group.

Q. What do u call 2 lesbian dinosaurs?

A: A lickalotapuss