Old and New Jokes

They had been stuck there for a long time and wanted to go home. One day they found a genie who said he would grant them one wish each. The english man said he wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone. The scots man wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone to. The irish man thought for a while and said,Well im going to be a bit lonley here so could I have my two friends back?

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin, cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like Is on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh grannys transmission.The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin.
Muh daughter werent home yet, she wuz still out parkin.When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin and sick
I said, Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called em by name.Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole Santa looked just like Boss Hog.He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that mornings hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that hed picked up in Nam.His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I aint seen one that big since muh e

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate."Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the first candidate."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate."Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the second candidate."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate."Yes. Youre wearing contacts."Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "Thats correct. How did you know?""You cant wear glasses if you dont have ears."

You so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"

Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Wont Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do,
Dont Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray Ill Pass
Tomorrows Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake,
Thats One less Test Ill Have to Take.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying Be Aware – Ski With Care may sue the resort that erected the sign.

The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinners knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cats ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.

Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which seeks class-action status, claims the publisher should have known of the inflated figures.

The All The News Thats Not Fit To Print Award to a former employee of the Gwinnett Daily Post in Georgia who was sentenced to three months in prison and fined $2,800 for offering to sell confidential business information about the newspaper to the rival Atlanta Journal-Constitution – which alerted authorities.

Q: Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?

A: He got the sack.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, Whats in the bags?

Sand, answered Juan.

The guard says, Well just see about that – get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, What have you got?

Sand, says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

Hey, Buddy, says the guard, I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about…..

I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says, Bicycles.