Old and New Jokes

why is the sea angry

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. We dont need anyone, they replied.



You cant afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything.



Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job. He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks – one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.



How in the world did you do that? they asked.



I told you Im the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!



Did you get a urine sample? they asked him.



Whats that? he asked.



Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.



Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, Heres Mr. Browns and this one is Mr. Smiths.



Thats good, they said, but whats in those two buckets?



Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rena!
Rena who?
Rena this bell doesnt do any good!

More shit you hate about working at Mickey Ds:

People who pay for their food, and then decide they want no onions.

People who cant see condiments right in front of them, and ask you for them.

People who stare at you while you make their sandwich, as if your going to spit in it.

People who want FRESH fries, theyre only fresh for about ten seconds.

People who ask for a water at the second window while your wrapped around the building.

People who get a water, and then get a friggin drink right in front of you. Come on retards, were watching you.

People who think they can pay for their order with a fuckin check.

People who cant accept the fact that we dont like you.

People who leave theyre god damn trays on their god damn table. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA, SO PICK UP YOUR OWN SHIT!

People who cant take the liner out of their trays. Come on people, give us some help.

People who wish to speak to the manager, and get mad when we ask which one they would like to talk to.

People who think we have a 99 cent menu, it a god damn dollar menu bithces!

People who ask for something that we havent had in months.

People who ask for a sandwich with no meat, its kind of a waste of our time.

People who dont understand the concept of late night menu.

People who ask for breakfast shit in the middle of the day.

People who actually stand outside our doors when beat on the door, hoping to come in a use the bathroom. Youre not getting it!!!

People who order shit from other stores. We dont have Whoppers or Tacos.

People who prank phone call us in the middle of a business rush.

People who dont have enough money, and pull off without their shit.

People who cant wait in line long enough to get their shit, and pull off.

People who actually wait at the entrance, because its so packed, for more than ten minutes, just for some of our food.

More to come

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louis!
Louis?
Louisn up!

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.

The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.

Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.

Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.

There was a Jew sitting at the side of the road


crying when a friend came along.Whats wrong why are you crying. well I have seen a coach load of Russians go over that cliff. Surely that souldnt make you cry. Normally it wouldnt but there were two empty seats.

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven
or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to
look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in
white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought
our heroes.

Lets go to Hell, they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars,
casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of
people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell.
They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a
sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel
each and told them to start working.

Whats this? The last time we were here the place was entirely
different.

Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.

Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, Excuse me, but Im curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket? The man says, Thats none of your damn business. A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells. And that goes for your damn cat too!

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute… The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving…

Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does. Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.

Fem: Where does it say that? I dont think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?

Fem: Yeah, so? Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!