How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

Perhaps I shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Hows your health?

Its OK, he answers. Im not getting any younger, but I dont have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

Well, then, she replies I dont want to be a snoop, but Ive got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

So-so. Im not rich, but Im comfortable. You dont have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – And hows your sex life….

Infrequently, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… And is that one word or two?

Joe was having medical problems and went to see the Doctor. As usual, the Nurse got out his chart and went over medications and history. Then she asked him what his problems were that brought him in to see the doctor today. Joe said, It is kind of personal and I would rather tell the doctor. The nurse said, By telling me, it will speed things up as I will already have this written in your chart, so please proceed to tell me your problems. Joe said, Well, OK, I am having trouble with my penis – – – – – -. At this, the nurses face turned red and she ran out of the room. Later, when the doctor came in, he told Joe that he had upset the nurse and Joe explained that he was only telling her what she asked for. I know, said the doctor, but next time just tell her that you have a problem with your ear and when I come in, we will correct anthing in the chart. OK, said Joe.

Well, three days later, Joe returned on a recall as his condition still had not cleared up. Again, the nurse got out his chart and started over medications and history. Again, she asked Joe what his problem was today. Joe replied, I have a problem with my left ear. The nurse asked, And exactly what problems are you having with your left ear. Joe replied, I cant pee out of it!!

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?

9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

Why dont witches wear panties?

[This was circulating at my wifes company.]

The following clearly explains how to use brutal anger in many creative ways, only a few of which can get you in trouble with the law (EDITORS NOTE (as if I have an editor): This post is completely bullshit, and I stand by my claims 0%. In other words, this entire post is a bunch of lies.):

Breaking stuff. Shrieking. Creative, inventive 5 minute bursts of profanity. Are these things exceptable? WELL I THINK THEY ARE AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN JUST… sorry. Now, as I was shrieking, I think this stuff should not only be acceptable, but should be taught over and over and over and over and over again in schools, every grade until the students run amok with meat cleavers in protest, which would be just what the teavhers wanted. I will provide a brief explanatory course in this post so you dont have to go back to school and learn it:

OK, the first thing you should do, if you want to be a professional caliber angerist is to buyu some angry merchandise, such as vulgar t-shirts, bumper stickers, license plate holders, etc. Then you should print some easy to shred business cards and give them to people by force. Now youre ready to start. Here are some commonly asked questions about getting pissed off (NOTE TO READERS: You can e-mail some questions to me for future postings. Try to make your questions strange, twisted,. and above all, NOT COMMONLY ASKED-LOOKING):

Q. What should you do if you are fired?

A. Walk up to your bossand curse at him for 5 minutes. Then blow your nose and/or wipe your ass on all your companies important papers. Now, smash all the electrical stuff in your office. Continue to breake stuff until your entire office is in a smoking heap spread over about 5 city blocks. Make sure you get home before the police come.

Q. What should you do if youre having trouble with your computer?

A. This is a mild case, really. All thats happening is a big complicated thing that you paid a huge amount of money for is REFUSING TO PERFORM SIMPLE TASKS SUCH AS ACTUALLY WORKING. What you should do is throw all the components of your computer at representatives of the manufacturer until he agrees to let you have 100% ownership in the company.

Q. What should you do if you have a Pentium?

A. Ram it up the president of Intels nose and demand a replacement.

Q. Is this damn post OVER yet?

A. Yes, it is.

Q. What address should I e-mail you at with questions, comments or requests?

A. Piercew@aol.com

My wife naively believes that Its your turn in the barrel is just as acceptable as What goes around comes around.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you dont be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again! It worked.

I wrote this letter many years ago:

Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address

Dear Sir,

I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.

As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, Im afraid that you failed to qualify.

Elimination under my system doesnt mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.

My best wishes for your future.

Sincerely,

Brian Jay Gould