Old and New Jokes

[Note: this is in response to looking for a wife that you posted
about a month ago]

Looking for a Husband

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive – no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified bug free.
Top-of-the-line joystick.

Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband
Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear,
yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.

yo mamma so old that when she tried to breast feed her breast milk was like powder.

Did you know, I was reading about an enormous factory in the USA where there is only ONE MAN working – I know what youre thinking – weve got enormous factories where NOBODYS working – but this one is different – its got an end product: it is completely automated to make torch batteries, and the only employee is an old rabbi who stands at the end of the conveyor belt and as the batteries go past he says, I wish you long life! I wish you long life!

A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, Hi there…what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so thats why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and thats why he had the bread.

Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that car door?

Well, said the Polak, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, Ill roll down the window.

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their tourist garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldnt help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father, nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: Good morning, Father, Good morning Father, and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldnt stand it and said. Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?

Oh, Father, dont you recognize me? Im Sister Angela!

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.

They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.

At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
You unpack while I go and find us a bear.

The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.

Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer – and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.

Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.

The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.

The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked
at the analyst, and said:

Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another.

andrew@cit5.oz (…oz.au) Andrew Moore.

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadnt considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, Im delivering him to my doctors office.

The other driver leaned out of his window. I hate to tell you, lady, he said, but I think its too late!

What is a free gift? Arent all gifts free?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?

Why are they called stands when they’re made for sitting?

Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.

Arent you worried about Tommys new job at the gas station?

Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil.

Doesnt matter. giggled the other girl. He doesnt do all my writing anyway.