The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.
Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
Dos cientificos se encuentran y preguntándose por sus descubrimientos, uno dice:
Yo he consegido una simbiosis, he cruzado ladillas con luciérnagas.
Y el otro pregunta:
¿Y qué utilidad tiene?
No lo sé, pero tengo unos cojones que parecen Las Vegas.
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.
Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.
But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.
I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.
Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…
What is that, my son?
Do I have to tell him the war is over?
Carsons Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Copied from Ann Landers Column:
Landers: Santas official visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. — Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:
No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.
Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.
Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.
At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.
Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.
Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.
All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.
(signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander
(c) Creators Syndicate
A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck a bag over my head put me in a dark cave and made me do pushups till I threw up.
If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it far too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite and youll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Dont they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isnt that handy?
If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
Heres a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, what was that?, you can now explain!
Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.
Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes Whoosh, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
Prelude To A Poopie You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Compost Fart You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Beefy One Sounds loud, and butch eg. BRAAAAMMPPP!. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.
Present (a.k.a Time I Wasnt Here Fart) The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you werent in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, youre screwed.
Squeaky Fart Sounds like Wheeek. Normally smells foul.
Bunbuster Fart BRAAA! Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Trouser Ripping Special Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Escape Pod Fart You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Brewer Fart You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Sphinctal Napalm Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Stalker Fart Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.
Burble Fart Bubbly!
On The Spot Fart You didnt even know it was there, but suddenly Brrmp.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart) You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart) The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
GNL Fart Gambled n lost. You take a gamble that its going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart…
Underwater Fart Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Gunshot Fart Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people dont know they even exist. One report continues: I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.
Tandem Fart Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stokers nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now.
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.
By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.
Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.
This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see, said Paddy.
Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.
Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse, said Paddy.
Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.
And den you put the flaps down straight away, said Paddy.
Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.
And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can, said Paddy.
Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.
And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul, said Paddy.
Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.
Gerry looked out the side window and replied, Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.