Old and New Jokes

Dos amigas se encuentran y la una le dice a la otra:

Vecina, estoy preocupadísima. Imagínese que desde hace tres días, dos marihuaneros entran por la noche y se cagan en mi terreno.

La otra le dice: Pero no sea usted tan lenta, ponga unos reflectores y verá como no vuelven.

En efecto, la señora se manda dos reflectores de 500 Watts cada uno.

A la semana, se vuelven a encontrar, e intrigada le pregunta la señora:

Y, vecina, ¿cómo le fue con los reflectores?

¡Ay, me muero, mejor calle!. ¡Ahora entran a cagar con revistas!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!



The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!



The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.



The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!



The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.



The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!



The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!



The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.



The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!



And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…

as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, Oh, its Sunday night and my car broke down! I dont know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

Well, drawls the farmer, you can stay here, but I dont want you messin with my sons Jed and Luke.



She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.



Okay, she says.



After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?



They say, Huh?



She says, The only thing is, I dont want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers. She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.





Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.



Jed says, Luke?



Luke says, Yeah, Jed?



Jed says, You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?



Yeah, says Luke, I remember.



Well, do you care if she gets pregnant? asks Jed.



Nope, says Luke, I reckon not.



Me, neither, says Jed, Lets take these things off.

I am in total control, but dont tell my wife.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18
bills would be in some small hick town.

So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After
driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store.

He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind
the counter. Can you change this for me, please? he asked.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time, then smiled and
said to the man, Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?

LUCY AND JAJE WERE PLAYING GOLF FIRST THE FIRST 2 BALS GOT STUCK ON LUCY BOOBS ,AND THE SECOND BALL GOT STUCK ON JAKES BALL,AND NOW THEY HAD NO BALLS TO PLAY WITH.

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions, he told them.

To the first one, he said, Your obsession is eating. Why youve even named your daughter Candy.

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. Again, it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny.

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, Lets go, Peter.

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? – Mistle toe, of course!

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.